Monthly Archives: February 2012

IT Insult!

Dear DW,

 My husband handles all the technical aspects of our church ministries.  He was hired with the title Minister of Media.  The problem is that he spends a lot of his time just fixing the computers in the church office.  What happened to the “minister” part of his title?  I don’t think that the staff sees him as a REAL pastor.  He recruits and ministers to a large team of volunteers who run the all the tech in our services.  He leads those volunteers in Bible Study and pastors their families.  He has a religious undergraduate degree and he is a licensed minister.  Why do they treat him like the IT guy?  My husband tells me to blow it off and not worry about it.  He’s a lot less concerned about this than I am, but I’m irritated.  How do I get past this attitude?

 Insulted in Indiana

 

Dear Insulted, 

This may be one of those things about ministry life that you are going to have to just let go of in order to find some peace.  It is definitely our first reaction to defend our spouse when we see an injustice taking place.  Especially when we think they deserve so much more respect than they are receiving at church.  Changing your attitude starts with:

  • Recognizing that while man sees the outward appearance, God sees the heart (I Samuel  16:7)
  • Realizing that no matter what happens with the staff or congregation, we do our work as unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23-24)
  • Start claiming God’s promise that what is sacrificed to Him in secret will be rewarded (Matthew 6:4-6)   

 And don’t diminish what your attitude can do for your spouse.  It may be that the reason your husband can accept his relegated role so easily is because you see him as so much more.  Sometimes it only takes one person, the most important person in our lives, recognizing the work we are doing to give us the strength to push through when ministry is difficult.  Balance your admiration of your husband with the viewpoint that the only person you are really trying to please is God and I think your attitude will swiftly find adjustment.

Love~

DW

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These Slapped Hands Sting!

Dear DW,

Last week, the pastor asked my husband and me to meet with him in his office.  He started by telling us that there are a few people who are unhappy with the youth ministry and he named some areas that he feels need improvement.  He told us that we need to be more consistent or my husband may be facing a formal reprimand from the personnel committee.  My question is this: What do I have to do with this meeting?  The church doesn’t pay me as an employee.   I felt like I was a little kid being called in to the principal’s office!  I was so stunned by the whole experience.   I didn’t know what to say at the time, but the more I think about it the more offended and hurt I am.  I’m not sure what to do at this point.  Do you have any advice? 

These Slapped Hands Sting!

Texas

 

Dear Slapped Hands, 

Girl, you know I have advice!

 #1) I agree.  What do you have to do with this meeting?!  Why were you called in to it if you are not employed by the church? 

Sounds to me like someone has some boundary issues.  Either the pastor has made an assumption that he is getting “2 for the price of 1” or the lines have been blurred as to who is in charge of the youth ministry.  In either case, these boundaries need to be clearly defined for you and for your pastor.  You and your husband should honestly evaluate how big of a role you are taking in the youth ministry leadership.  Have you been taking on responsibilities that go beyond being a volunteer in the youth ministry?  Are you doing things for your husband that is really a part of his job?  Is there any way that you have projected an image that you are sharing  job responsibilities or did the pastor overstep by calling you in to his office?

#2) Where is your husband in all of this? 

It’s up to him to protect you from these kinds of confrontations.  If he didn’t do it during the meeting, he absolutely should now go to the pastor and make it very clear that you do not work for the church. It doesn’t matter how the boundaries have been blurred or not blurred, there is no circumstance where a spouse should be evaluated, criticized, or chastised by the church leadership for the pastor’s job performance. 

#3) Be cautious how you proceed now and in future churches.

It seems like things are getting sticky in your current church.  Since your husband’s ministry is being called into question, you may want to take a few steps back until things cool down so that you don’t get caught in the crossfire.  In the future, you and your husband will want to make it clear to potential churches that you are a volunteer, not a part of a package deal.  This doesn’t mean that you can’t be an integral part of what is happening in the youth ministry, but it does give you and your husband the freedom to remind pastors and parishioners that your service to the church is volunteer and should be treated as such.

Now some salve for that sting…I’m so sorry that you have been hurt.  I promise, the sting only lasts for a little while and then the redness will start to fade away.  Praying this hurt heals quickly. 

Love,

DW~

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