Monthly Archives: July 2012
A lady from church just approached me and asked if she could take me out for a makeover. She was very humble when she approached me and she said that she wanted to give me this makeover as her special gift. I told her I would go next week but I have mixed emotions about it. I mean, really, do I look like I need a makeover?? Is she just trying to be nice?? I don’t know! And that is bothering me. I don’t want to over think this whole thing but I’m a little uncomfortable. On one hand, I want to call her up and cancel, and on the other hand, I really would love to have a makeover and get to know this lady a little better. I feel crazy for being suspicious of her motives. I’m not sure what to do.
Dear Skeptical Sally,
Sometimes living the ministry lifestyle forces us into an attitude of cautiousness. Jesus himself said that we should be as “shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves”. * (Interestingly enough, He was giving instructions to a group of people He was sending out to do ministry!)
I know you have mixed feelings about this lady; however, I don’t think that you should let your apprehension limit the “Church” in the way that they want to bless you. If your feelings about this lady make you sick to your stomach, it may be time to graciously bail out of the date. But, if you have gotten to the point in ministry where you are suspicious of everyone, it may be time to allow God to stretch you beyond your comfort zone. You know when you are getting a Holy Spirit stop sign and when you are letting past trespasses get in the way of new friendships.
Just because someone offers you a makeover doesn’t mean you have to take it, but check your heart. Be shrewd AND innocent. This may be just the opportunity you need to prove that some church people are worthy of your trust.
Some people might call me a prima donna. Others might call me selfish. I prefer to think of myself as a Princess. Sometimes I want the universe to revolve around me! There’s only one problem, I’m married to a pastor. When we were dating, my future husband gave me a lot of attention. We became best friends and I never wanted to be apart from him. I guess that’s where the selfish part comes in, I miss him. I don’t like sharing him with so many other people. I want him all to myself. He’s my whole universe but I feel like Pluto in his universe. I want to be the Sun. I want to be sitting on the throne next to him, not waiting in his court as one of his many admirers. I want to be his Princess again. Am I a prima donna? Tell me the truth. Is it wrong to be jealous of the time he shares with all those people at church?
The Pastor and the Princess
I don’t think it’s selfish to want to be your husband’s best friend, but I wonder from your letter what you thought life would be like when you married a pastor. A part of living with a pastor is sharing his time with other people. There’s servant hood and sacrifice involved in this calling and you are a part of that now. That may mean not always being the center of attention.
HOWEVER, in my encouragement for you to share a little of your husband’s face time with other people, one thing you should never sacrifice is “relationship” with your husband. I am sensing that relationship and quality time are suffering a bit in your situation. Have you discussed how you feel with your husband? He needs to know that you are feeling like you have to “request an audience” to be in his presence. You might not always be able to be the Sun in his universe but you certainly should be closer than Pluto! Let’s shoot for Venus or Mercury even on the busy days in ministry. And you should always feel confident that you are his Princess even when he is not able to spend a lot of time with you.
What do you need from him in order to feel the intimacy and specialness that has waned in your relationship? Have you shared your need for attention with him? And while you are thinking this through, are you being fair? Are your time and attention expectations realistic? It’s imperative that you discuss this with him. He needs to know how you are feeling.
It’s not selfish for a wife to want to have the best part of what her husband has to give. It’s biblical. Husbands should love their wives and give themselves up for her just as Christ gave Himself up for the church. He should cherish her just as Christ cherishes the church (Ephesians 5:25-32). Sounds like “Princess” might not be such a far reaching title for yourself! When you feel loved, you won’t have a need to feel jealous. Balance this Princess thing with respect for your husband and you will not be seen as a prima donna to your congregation, instead, your marriage will become a beautiful living picture of Jesus’ relationship to the church.
I’ve been dating a wonderful man for the last several months. He is currently in school and is training for ministry. We have casually spoken about marriage. I really think he is a great guy and I can see myself married to him, but I’m a little nervous about the whole ministry thing. I’ve read through some of your blogs and I don’t know if I can do this. I want to be with this guy, maybe for the rest of my life, but I’m not sure I want to be a Pastor’s wife. Am I just overreacting?
Miss Cold Feet
Dear Miss Cold Feet,
You are NOT overreacting. It is right for you to listen to that nervous inner voice telling you to pay attention and question your ability to live a ministry lifestyle. A lot of people ignore that voice because they think marrying the man is separate from marrying the ministry. It’s not. Ministry is a “calling” and people are not easily separated from a “calling”. If you get sick of church people and you beg him to become a plumber instead, it will never change what he believes God has asked him to do. If he gets fired from a church and decides he never wants to be in ministry again, it will not change what God has asked him to do. If he has truly been set apart for ministry, there’s nothing you or he can do to change God’s call on his life. It will affect every aspect of your marriage.
You need to seek God’s will for your life before you get any more involved with this man. Fast and pray. Have other people pray for you. There’s only one question that you need to be asking of the Lord at this time and it’s not, “Can I make it as a pastor’s wife?” You need to ask God, “What is my calling?” If God has called you to ministry, He will give you all you need to be a pastor’s wife. He will equip you and shape you into the woman He intends for you to be. He will give you a heart to sacrifice so that people can hear about Jesus.
You are fortunate that you still have a choice whether or not to marry this guy. Many women marry the man of their dreams and then years later find themselves shocked to learn that their husband wants to be a pastor. (But that’s a letter for another time.) You still have a choice. Choose wisely, Grasshopper. This is the rest of your life.
What’s your calling?
Study I Timothy 3 and Titus 2 for insight into the ministry lifestyle