Longing Not to be Noticed

Dear DW- 

Can you talk about how to handle questions from people at church?  It seems like as soon as I walk into the door of the worship center, I get pummeled with a thousand questions about my spouse’s ministry.  “What time does this start?” “Who’s teaching today?”  “Do you know what’s going on with so and so?”  “Let me tell you all my personal information and have you pass it on to your pastor spouse…”  I feel uncomfortable answering questions that I don’t really know the answer to and the list of “memos” that people want me to pass on to my spouse is never ending- I know I’m going to forget something.  And, my pet peeve: I hate taking money from people who forgot to put it into the offering plate or who want to “make a payment” for this or that.  Please talk about how to handle these situations.  Besides making myself invisible, I don’t know what to do. 

Thanks,

Longing Not to be Noticed

 

Dear Longing Not to be Noticed, 

Thank you for bringing up this issue.  I believe that it is common for ministry spouses to be seen as an extension of the pastor.   People find it convenient to approach the spouse with their question or issue because the spouse doesn’t have a line forming around them on Sunday morning and the pastor does!  I can’t make you invisible, but I do have some thoughts to share that might help make Sunday less secretarial for you.

1. 1.    The Less You Know, The Less They Ask– If you appear to be a good resource for answering questions, you will become their “go-to” person.  You have a choice to make- become an expert on the church bulletin and schedule so that you can answer every question or play dumb.  Shhhh…don’t tell everyone, but sometimes I know the answer to their question but I say “I’m not sure” because I want them to look it up for themselves.  You can do that too.  Unless you want to become the mobile Church Information Booth, I’d recommend it.  Teach them where to find the information so that when you are not around, they can find it for themselves.
2. 2.    Never Take Church Money from People – This is a danger zone.  When you are handed a camp payment or someone’s tithe on a busy Sunday morning, it is so easy for that money to get misplaced or forgotten.  I tell people that I don’t feel comfortable taking their money and point them towards the nearest deacon, elder, pastor, sound guy, whoever, but I won’t take the money.  I’m not trying to be unhelpful, but I am trying to show them that I am not the right person to take their Church money.
3. 3.    Filter Information Given to You for Your Spouse – If Miss Martha wants my husband to know that someone left dirty dishes in the fellowship hall sink, I say, “I’ll try to remember, but I’m not sure if I will so it’s best if you call the office.”  But if someone tells me that they found drugs in their son’s room last night, I take the memo.  I still ask them to call my husband but that information is noted by me.  Only the most critical of information will ever get passed on in my household.  If Miss Martha asks me next Sunday if I told my husband about the dishes, I let her know that I forgot (which I probably did).  Enough forgetting and I am no longer deemed a reliable information highway. J

I don’t lie to people but I also don’t make it easy for them to use me as their go between to the pastor.  That is ok.  Your worship time is valuable.  Don’t waste it being your husband’s secretary.  The church pays people to do that. 

 Love,

DW

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Pressured to Please

Dear DW,

I have a two year old child and a six month old baby.  I am pretty picky about who babysits them.  There’s a lady at church who keeps offering to have her daughter come over and watch the children for me.  She says she wants to give me a break and that it will be good “practice” for her daughter.  I don’t want this girl to “practice” babysitting on my kids but this lady keeps insisting.  It’s getting to where I try to avoid her in the hallways so I don’t have to talk to her.  I know that she is trying to be nice and give me a break, but I don’t think that her daughter is old enough or experienced enough to take care of two toddlers.  I feel really bad for being ungrateful for the offer.  I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I’m running out of excuses at this point.  I feel like I’m going to have to let this girl watch the kids so that this will end.

Picky Mommy

 

Dear Picky Mommy,

You are in no way obligated by mandate of ministry to allow people to practice babysitting on your children.  This does not make you ungrateful, it shows your wisdom.   These children were entrusted to you by God and just because your husband is paid by the church doesn’t mean that the church people get to do, say, or practice whatever they want on your family.  It’s good to draw clear boundaries early on when you have children in ministry.  There is no reason for you to feel bad about letting people know what is acceptable and not acceptable in regards to your household.  Do you think this lady would want you dictating how her daughter should get to school in the mornings or how she should wear her hair?  Do you think for a second that she would hesitate to tell you that you are not welcome to make those decisions for her?  Why would you let this woman decide for you who is going to babysit your kids?  You do not have to feel pressured to please everyone in the church who has some suggestion for your family no matter how noble the offer may be. 

I would encourage you to draw a strong line with this lady.  Stop making excuses; she’s not getting the subtle approach.  Kindly thank her for her offer but let her know that you are picky about who watches your kids.  If you still feel the need to spare her feelings, tell her that you already have a regular babysitter.  What would you rather do, save face or protect your children?  That pit in your stomach is not going to go away as you pull out of the driveway with the children in the care of this woman’s daughter.  Your lack of confrontation will only complicate the matter.  Stand up now.  Good grief, if you are going to have a reputation for being ungrateful or unkind, it might as well be over something that really matters like your children!

Love,

DW