Longing Not to be Noticed

Dear DW- 

Can you talk about how to handle questions from people at church?  It seems like as soon as I walk into the door of the worship center, I get pummeled with a thousand questions about my spouse’s ministry.  “What time does this start?” “Who’s teaching today?”  “Do you know what’s going on with so and so?”  “Let me tell you all my personal information and have you pass it on to your pastor spouse…”  I feel uncomfortable answering questions that I don’t really know the answer to and the list of “memos” that people want me to pass on to my spouse is never ending- I know I’m going to forget something.  And, my pet peeve: I hate taking money from people who forgot to put it into the offering plate or who want to “make a payment” for this or that.  Please talk about how to handle these situations.  Besides making myself invisible, I don’t know what to do. 

Thanks,

Longing Not to be Noticed

 

Dear Longing Not to be Noticed, 

Thank you for bringing up this issue.  I believe that it is common for ministry spouses to be seen as an extension of the pastor.   People find it convenient to approach the spouse with their question or issue because the spouse doesn’t have a line forming around them on Sunday morning and the pastor does!  I can’t make you invisible, but I do have some thoughts to share that might help make Sunday less secretarial for you.

  1. 1.    The Less You Know, The Less They Ask– If you appear to be a good resource for answering questions, you will become their “go-to” person.  You have a choice to make- become an expert on the church bulletin and schedule so that you can answer every question or play dumb.  Shhhh…don’t tell everyone, but sometimes I know the answer to their question but I say “I’m not sure” because I want them to look it up for themselves.  You can do that too.  Unless you want to become the mobile Church Information Booth, I’d recommend it.  Teach them where to find the information so that when you are not around, they can find it for themselves.
  2. 2.    Never Take Church Money from People – This is a danger zone.  When you are handed a camp payment or someone’s tithe on a busy Sunday morning, it is so easy for that money to get misplaced or forgotten.  I tell people that I don’t feel comfortable taking their money and point them towards the nearest deacon, elder, pastor, sound guy, whoever, but I won’t take the money.  I’m not trying to be unhelpful, but I am trying to show them that I am not the right person to take their Church money.
  3. 3.    Filter Information Given to You for Your Spouse – If Miss Martha wants my husband to know that someone left dirty dishes in the fellowship hall sink, I say, “I’ll try to remember, but I’m not sure if I will so it’s best if you call the office.”  But if someone tells me that they found drugs in their son’s room last night, I take the memo.  I still ask them to call my husband but that information is noted by me.  Only the most critical of information will ever get passed on in my household.  If Miss Martha asks me next Sunday if I told my husband about the dishes, I let her know that I forgot (which I probably did).  Enough forgetting and I am no longer deemed a reliable information highway. J

I don’t lie to people but I also don’t make it easy for them to use me as their go between to the pastor.  That is ok.  Your worship time is valuable.  Don’t waste it being your husband’s secretary.  The church pays people to do that. 

 Love,

DW

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Posted on August 24, 2012, in Church People, Identity and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Excellent answers!

    I have to add that as a military chaplain’s wife, I am not allowed by chapel regulations to handle money. What a relief! I didn’t when my husband was a pastor either–I merely directed the person to the nearest deacon or church officer, preferably the treasurer of the church. My husband did the same. It’s just SAFER for you never to touch any money but your own offering 🙂

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