Monthly Archives: May 2013

Julie Justification

Dear DW,the tv

I think I have a disease.  Every time I buy something, I feel the need to make sure everyone knows that I got it on sale or that I used money I had saved up for a long time.  Just this week, someone in our Bible Study group noticed the new flat screen TV in our living room and my first reaction was to make sure she knew that it was a gift from my in-laws.  The disease part of this is that I’m not telling people these things because I think I got a good deal or because I want people to know what great in-laws I have, it’s because I don’t want them to think that we are wasting “God’s Money” on frivolous things.  I feel like I’m being judged when I show up to church with a new dress.  I feel anxiety when I get my hair done.  It made me nervous when I bought my son an iPod for his birthday because I just knew someone was going to see it and wonder how we could afford it.  We don’t make much money serving in the church and there are people who know that we struggle financially.  I don’t know how to stop feeling the need to explain every penny we spend.  Please help!

Julie Justification

 

Dear Julie Justification,

You are right.  You do have a disease.  Actually, it’s more like a virus.  I’ve caught it off and on throughout our ministry.  It’s called the I-am-focused-more-on-what-church-people-think-about-me-than-on-what-God-thinks-about-me virus.  The symptoms start out subtle like not showing off the new ring your husband bought you because someone might think he spent too much money.  It progresses into feelings of guilt or dread when you buy or do something that might elicit a comment from someone at church.  And, if left untreated, the virus morphs into full-blown “plasticity” where you either hide the real you from church people or you make decisions and behavior changes based on what people at church might say or think about you.  This virus will make you really sick- sick of church, sick of people, sick of ministry, and sick of your spouse’s calling.  The last stage of the virus can cause complications of bitterness which, everyone who reads this blog knows always leads to wrinkles! 

The only way to combat this virus to focus on the opinion that matters most in your life.  Are you wasting “God’s Money”?  Can you stand before Him without guilt?  Are you living a life pleasing to Him?  Then it doesn’t matter what other’s might think or say.  It’s exhausting trying to guess who you should be to make everyone in the church happy with you.  So don’t do it.  Stop justifying your purchases and actions.  I have a feeling that you are more conscious of what is being spent at your house than anyone in your congregation.  And even if you are not, God is the only one who can change the heart of someone who is so ridiculously judgmental.  Your qualifying statements won’t change a thing. 

You know, it’s ALL “God’s money”.  When is the last time someone at church called you up to justify the new boat they bought or reported to you that they just got another credit card so they could go on a vacation they can’t afford?  So stop stressing.  Enjoy your gifts.  Focus on what matters and avoid those wrinkles!

Love,

DW~

Newbie wants to Know

NewbieDear DW,

I am very new to ministry.  It’s only been about 4 months since my spouse joined the church staff.  We are very excited to be here!  But, I have to admit that I am already feeling some differences between what it was like to be a regular church member and what it is like to be married to a staff member.  What is your best advice for a new ministry spouse?

                                                                                                    Newbie wants to Know

 Dear Newbie,

Hmmmm…my best advice: Don’t panic, hold on tight, and enjoy the ride!

Don’t panic

            Ministry is difficult.  Even the best churches have their share of behind the scenes disunity, politics, and posturing.  When you read books like Corinthians, Ephesians, and Galatians, you realize that none of these issues are new.  The church is made up of people and people are inherently flawed.  What you will see and experience has happened to the saints before you.  You are not alone in your struggle no matter what happens. 

Hold on tight

            It’s important to nurture relationships.  Avoid isolation like the plague.  Your ministry, sanity, and marriage depend on it.  It’s easy to draw inward when difficulties come your way, but the best medicine for combating isolation is to reach out to others.  Some ways to hold on tight:                                                                                                                            

  • Immerse yourself in the Bible. Find a Bible study group to join in addition to your personal Bible study.                              
  • Ask your best/lifelong friends to pray for you and then, stay in touch.                                                                                                     –
  • Reach out to new friends at church and try your best to befriend the staff and spouses.  Be the inviter, don’t wait for an invitation.                                                                                                                                                                                                                              
  • Find mentors (they don’t have to know they are your mentor) and learn from their experience.  Your mentors should be people who have character traits you want to emulate.  It’s not a requirement for them to be in ministry.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
  • Engage with those who can relate to your experience as a ministry spouse through conferences and denominational events.  Seek out pastoral staff/spouses from other churches in your community and search for online support groups.

Enjoy the ride

No matter where this adventure takes you, know that there is always a reward.  Nothing that God ordains is futility.  We are sometimes privileged to see the results of our sacrifice, but other times we are not.  Many Bible verses point to this truth, but one that I have been meditating on lately is Hebrews 10:35-36, “So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord.  Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.” (NLV)  It’s a joy to be chosen to participate in God’s plan for His church.  Don’t let hardships blind you to the joy of the journey.

Hope this helps as you continue to follow God in excitement with your spouse!

Love,

DW~

%d bloggers like this: