I Lost My Mentor

Dear DW,

 I am heartbroken.  I have moved to a new church and I have lost my mentor.  When we entered ministry seven years ago, the pastor’s wife at our church took me under her wing and helped me assimilate into the ministry lifestyle.  All of the pastor’s wives at our church were really close.  In our new church, the pastor’s wife has barely spoken to me.  I don’t understand why she is not reaching out to me as the new person.  I am really lonely and I desperately miss my mentor.  I guess I’m just looking for some encouragement.

Friend-less in Friendswood

 

Dear Friend-less in Friendswood,

It sounds like you had the joy of being in a very unique situation in your last church.  I wish that all spouses had a warm and welcoming ministry spouse to assimilate them into ministry.  The reality is that most churches are more like the one you are in now.  (Sorry to break the bad news!)

 My greatest encouragement to you is that you don’t let the legacy that your mentor gave you go to waste by waiting for someone to reach out to you.  Even though you are the new person on the block, be the one to make the first move.  You obviously know more about being inclusive and hospitable than the other spouses at your church.  Set the example.  Be the change you want to see in others.

I have this vision of Pedro talking to Napoleon Dynamite about how he is going to ask the most popular girl at school to a dance.  “I’ll build her a cake or something…”  Of course, you think that there is no way that this tactic is going to work and… it doesn’t.  But, it’s obvious that somewhere in Summer’s heart, she has found a soft place for Pedro.  Reaching out to other ministry spouses may be something like that scene from Napoleon Dynamite.  It will be awkward and uncomfortable.  You might feel like a dork.  You may not get the response you want.   But if you keep baking enough cakes, eventually, someone is going to respond.  (Deb went to the dance with Pedro!) 

 A lot of spouses are lonely in ministry.  We need more Pedro’s who have the courage to reach out to others even though they are the new kid.  Pedro affected a lot of change at his school in his own gawky way.  You can too.

 Love,
DW~

Advertisement

IT Insult!

Dear DW,

 My husband handles all the technical aspects of our church ministries.  He was hired with the title Minister of Media.  The problem is that he spends a lot of his time just fixing the computers in the church office.  What happened to the “minister” part of his title?  I don’t think that the staff sees him as a REAL pastor.  He recruits and ministers to a large team of volunteers who run the all the tech in our services.  He leads those volunteers in Bible Study and pastors their families.  He has a religious undergraduate degree and he is a licensed minister.  Why do they treat him like the IT guy?  My husband tells me to blow it off and not worry about it.  He’s a lot less concerned about this than I am, but I’m irritated.  How do I get past this attitude?

 Insulted in Indiana

 

Dear Insulted, 

This may be one of those things about ministry life that you are going to have to just let go of in order to find some peace.  It is definitely our first reaction to defend our spouse when we see an injustice taking place.  Especially when we think they deserve so much more respect than they are receiving at church.  Changing your attitude starts with:

• Recognizing that while man sees the outward appearance, God sees the heart (I Samuel  16:7)
• Realizing that no matter what happens with the staff or congregation, we do our work as unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23-24)
• Start claiming God’s promise that what is sacrificed to Him in secret will be rewarded (Matthew 6:4-6)   

 And don’t diminish what your attitude can do for your spouse.  It may be that the reason your husband can accept his relegated role so easily is because you see him as so much more.  Sometimes it only takes one person, the most important person in our lives, recognizing the work we are doing to give us the strength to push through when ministry is difficult.  Balance your admiration of your husband with the viewpoint that the only person you are really trying to please is God and I think your attitude will swiftly find adjustment.

Love~

DW

These Slapped Hands Sting!

Dear DW,

Last week, the pastor asked my husband and me to meet with him in his office.  He started by telling us that there are a few people who are unhappy with the youth ministry and he named some areas that he feels need improvement.  He told us that we need to be more consistent or my husband may be facing a formal reprimand from the personnel committee.  My question is this: What do I have to do with this meeting?  The church doesn’t pay me as an employee.   I felt like I was a little kid being called in to the principal’s office!  I was so stunned by the whole experience.   I didn’t know what to say at the time, but the more I think about it the more offended and hurt I am.  I’m not sure what to do at this point.  Do you have any advice? 

These Slapped Hands Sting!

Texas

 

Dear Slapped Hands, 

Girl, you know I have advice!

 #1) I agree.  What do you have to do with this meeting?!  Why were you called in to it if you are not employed by the church? 

Sounds to me like someone has some boundary issues.  Either the pastor has made an assumption that he is getting “2 for the price of 1” or the lines have been blurred as to who is in charge of the youth ministry.  In either case, these boundaries need to be clearly defined for you and for your pastor.  You and your husband should honestly evaluate how big of a role you are taking in the youth ministry leadership.  Have you been taking on responsibilities that go beyond being a volunteer in the youth ministry?  Are you doing things for your husband that is really a part of his job?  Is there any way that you have projected an image that you are sharing  job responsibilities or did the pastor overstep by calling you in to his office?

#2) Where is your husband in all of this? 

It’s up to him to protect you from these kinds of confrontations.  If he didn’t do it during the meeting, he absolutely should now go to the pastor and make it very clear that you do not work for the church. It doesn’t matter how the boundaries have been blurred or not blurred, there is no circumstance where a spouse should be evaluated, criticized, or chastised by the church leadership for the pastor’s job performance. 

#3) Be cautious how you proceed now and in future churches.

It seems like things are getting sticky in your current church.  Since your husband’s ministry is being called into question, you may want to take a few steps back until things cool down so that you don’t get caught in the crossfire.  In the future, you and your husband will want to make it clear to potential churches that you are a volunteer, not a part of a package deal.  This doesn’t mean that you can’t be an integral part of what is happening in the youth ministry, but it does give you and your husband the freedom to remind pastors and parishioners that your service to the church is volunteer and should be treated as such.

Now some salve for that sting…I’m so sorry that you have been hurt.  I promise, the sting only lasts for a little while and then the redness will start to fade away.  Praying this hurt heals quickly. 

Love,

DW~

Mama Bear

Dear DW,

 What do you do when your spouse is on the staff of a church and you’re not happy with the children’s ministry?  Our church averages about 250 people, is growing, and the children’s ministry is dying.  The children’s minister has been with the church for a long time and is very set in her ways.  There is very meager security in the nursery wing.  Honestly, if I didn’t know the people in the nursery, I wouldn’t leave my children.  Also, the children’s programs are dwindling in numbers and very poorly organized.  I’m seriously considering taking my children to another church for weekday programs.  Is that wrong?  I am praying for the ministry, but I also want my children in a thriving program.

 Sincerely,

Mama Bear

 

Dear Mama Bear,

 When it comes to protecting the cubs, don’t ignore your instincts!  Your first responsibility and ministry is to your children.  If you feel uncomfortable with any issue in the children’s ministry, especially safety concerns, always protect your kids before you protect someone’s feelings.  Now, having said that, know that you and your husband will face consequences for that decision.  But let’s consider the sacrifice you’re making: kids vs. hurt feelings, kids vs. awkward silences, kids vs. questions from congregation, kids vs. questions from the pastor, kids vs. my husband’s job, kids vs. having to move.  In my book, the kids win every time! 

 I really don’t think that taking your kids to another church for weekday programs will get your husband fired, but it might, so you have to be unified in whatever decision you make.  This action will surely bring to light some of the issues in the children’s ministry.  Be aware that you will probably influence other people to move their children as well.   Protect your kids, but know that you will be disturbing the status quo and since no one has addressed the issue thus far, you are going to ruffle some feathers.  There will be fall out and in that make sure that you “keep a clear conscience” by answering questions with “gentleness and respect”. (I Peter 3:16)

In all of this, Mama Bear, I can’t help but challenge you a little bit.  I’m glad to hear that you are praying for the ministry, but I’m wondering how you are supporting the children’s minister.  Could it be possible that because you see the issues in the children’s ministry that God might be asking you to address some of them?  Is your children’s minister overwhelmed and in over her head?  How long has it been since she has had encouragement and support?  If this was your husband’s ministry that was failing, what would you need from the congregation?  While I do think that it’s time for the teeth to come out concerning your kids, please don’t ignore that this minister may be facing some of the same obstacles in ministry that you deal with as a family.  In your prayers, be open to God prompting you to act in ways that you aren’t expecting.  Taking the kids out of the ministry may not be the only solution.

 Love~

DW

Wounded 2 Ways

Dear DW, 

 I just got out of the hospital after having surgery and I will be in recovery for 4-6 weeks.   During my three day hospital stay, not one person from church called to see how I was doing.  My husband is one of the pastors at church.  None of the other staff pastors called either.  We have three kids and don’t live near family.  Soon, we won’t have any help at home.  I’m worried about how my husband and I are going to manage during the recovery.  DW, Why wouldn’t anyone call or offer to help?  Who’s our pastor? 

 Wounded 2 Ways in Texas 

 

Dear Wounded, 

My heart is breaking for you.  I wish I could come over and help!  Who knows why people do what they do but here are some thoughts on what might be going through people’s heads:

“I don’t want to bother her when she is sick.”

“I’m sure her family is there to help and I don’t want to intrude.”

“The pastors will take care of it.”

“What if she had ‘female’ surgery-I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m positive that someone has already organized meals for them.”

“I’ll call once I know she’s out of the hospital….oops, has it been that long!”

 While service, outreach, and sacrifice probably come naturally for your family (you are in ministry), it’s just not the bent of most people to meet someone’s needs unless they are asked to do so.  Should they have known that you needed help…YES!   And I’m boggled by the inaction of your fellow pastors!  I’m hurt and disappointed for you that the pastors at your church did not reach out to your family during this time.  Pastors should be the first ones to respond when someone on their team is hurting and in need.  Unfortunately, ministry families are seen as “able to handle it”.  There is an assumption by other pastors that “they will understand how busy I am”.  In the Good Samaritan story, it was the Priest and Pharisee who walked right past a battered and dying man lying in the road (I wonder if he was a pastor’s spouse).  

 Wounded, you have 2 ways to handle this hurt.  You can carry it around with you and let it fester and infect everything you do in ministry for the rest of your service there OR you can prick it now and let the pain and infection drain out giving you the chance to heal by choosing forgiveness.  We all miss it sometimes.   People and pastors mess up.  You know pastors aren’t perfect-you live with one!  I urge you to choose grace in this situation.  Holding on to this hurt will only lead you to bitterness.

  And, ASK FOR HELP!  Don’t assume that people will know you need it.  You and your husband need to call, pester and do what you have to do to let people know that you need help.  It may surprise you to see who responds and what bonds are formed within the church when the pastor’s family admits that they are human and in need.

 My prayer is that healing in all ways comes quickly.

 Love~

DW

 

Pastor Unappreciation Month

Dear DW,

It’s Pastor Appreciation month.   This is the month that I always feel least appreciated.  Our church takes up a Love Offering for the pastors on the last Sunday of this month.  The Love Offering is promoted as being “split among the pastors”.

  In the last five years, the Love Offering has been split 70-30 between the Senior Pastor and the Associate Pastor.  (Besides my husband, we have two other pastors on staff.)  All five pastors, secretaries, and janitors are given a $25 restaurant gift certificate with their paychecks.  

I’m not resentful that the Pastor and Associate get the offering.  They work very hard and deserve all of the appreciation they get.  But it does feel like a slight that the other three pastors are given the same gift as the support staff.   I also struggle to respond to congregation members who assume that our family received the Love Offering.  I’m not sure what to say to them. 

 I feel guilty and ungrateful for even writing this all down-

 Mrs. Unappreciated

 

Dear Mrs. Unappreciated, 

Please don’t feel guilty!  If you didn’t tell me, who would you tell? 🙂   It’s ok to have feelings of under appreciation for the sacrifices your family is making to be in ministry.  The problem comes when we dwell in these moments and allow ourselves to set up a root of bitterness in our lives.  We have to keep grounded in the fact that everything we do as ministry families is an act of service to God.  God knows we are not in it for the money and gift cards!!

 Focus on those people who DO appreciate your ministry.  The ones who are excited that they had the opportunity to give to the Love Offering.  If it’s the thought that counts, they COUNT!  Graciously accept their encouragement and don’t dwell on the fact that the money never made it to your family.   

 And give credit where credit is due… don’t attribute the slight to your congregation, but to the leadership who made the decision to distribute the gifts in that manner.  My preference is to assume that they are ignorant of how this action makes you feel.  And even if they do know how it makes you feel, there’s nothing productive that you can do with that information.  This just leads me back to the fact that they are ignorant…

Guard your heart.  This is a tricky, slippery slope and all roads lead to bitterness.  Remember, your real rewards will come much later and God has not forgotten your service:

  “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.”     Colossians 3:23-24

Love~

DW                                                                                                                  

 

Wound Up Tight

Dear DW, 

My wife is the children’s minister at a large church.  Lately, her administrative pastor has been riding her hard about her budget.  When I see him in the hallway at church, I want to punch him in the head!  Does he even know how much time my wife spends at the church working?  When you have a hundred extra kids come to an event, you are going to go over budget.  I told her to quit because she doesn’t need this kind of hassle and disrespect for the little bit she is paid.  But she won’t do it.  She loves the kids too much.  How do I deal with this man and keep my Christianity? 

Wound Up Tight

Houston, Texas

Dear Wound Up Tight, 

I highly recommend that you count to 10 and keep your hands tightly clasped around your Bible when passing the administrative pastor in the hallway!  Look, it’s natural for you to want to protect your wife.  Some would say that it’s your responsibility as her husband.  But think about this for a minute, if your wife had a job in a secular office, would you storm the doors and protect her honor with the staff accountant?  Probably not.  Church ministries are personal, and the lines between work and home are easily blurred.  Just like in a secular job, it’s important that your wife take responsibility for her own ministry.  The way that you can support her best is by making your home and marriage a peaceful haven from the stressors of her ministry.  Validate that what she is doing is meaningful in the “eternal”.  Pray for and with your wife about how to face this challenge with her supervisor.  With prayer and communication, you both will be in unity about when it is truly time for her move on from this current ministry.  In the meantime, get a punching bag, avoid the main hallway, bathe in prayer and ask God to change your heart and attitude about this pastor.  Who knows?  He may be living in the same pressure cooker that your wife is in.  There’s no one better to pray for him than someone who knows what it’s like to live in a glass house.

 With Love,

DW~