Really, I’m Not a Nag!

Dear DW,

I am a very supportive ministry spouse but recently I am starting to feel a little taken for granted. It seems like at least once a week my spouse springs another “activity” on me- usually one that I’m solely in charge of or one that requires me to drop everything and clean the house before people come over! Do you have any advice to help my spouse understand how I feel without sounding like I’m complaining?

NotANag in Neosho

*Pastor, if you are reading this, stop, pick up the phone, open an email, or immediately find your spouse and tell them how much they mean to you and to the ministry you do! Have you done it, yet? I meant it…I’m waiting…

Dear NotANag,

I talk with so many ministry spouses who feel just like you described; supportive towards ministry but overlooked when it comes to courtesy and appreciation. Unlike our pastor spouse, we don’t get paid to do this job but like many pastoral job descriptions say, we are expected to “perform all additional duties as assigned by the pastor”!

You are right. It doesn’t make you a nag to speak up or ask for a break from hospitality duties occasionally. It does not make you a nag to want to step aside from being your spouse’s #1 volunteer. It does not make you a complainer to want to be thanked for what you do. But I hear in your letter some doubts or maybe some accusation that you complain too much about ministry activities. Either way, this is something that you and your spouse have got to talk about. Avoiding the “Nag Tag” will be easier if you set apart a quiet, private moment to really talk about how you are feeling. No sideways comments while you are working in the church cafe for the 4th Sunday in a row because no one showed up or sighing as you are handed the preschool curriculum 5 minutes before class starts. Schedule time to seriously discuss how you feel. And, yes, I do mean schedule. It’s obvious that you are both very busy people.

Just like any other church member, you should be serving in the places of your giftedness and God’s leading. Of course, there will be moments of taking on extra for the sake of your spouse, but it’s unfair to you and to your spouse’s ministry for you to always be the one taking up the slack. And that’s not nagging!

Love,
DW~

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Little Debbie Guilt

Dear DW,  

I need to confess.  Sometimes, when we are really busy at church, I feed my kids dinner from the vending machine.  There it is…I’m a bad mom!  I feel so guilty, but I don’t know what else to do.  At least they are getting fed, right?

 Little Debbie

 

Dear Little Debbie,

 Before I start, I have to admit, my kids have gotten a few Star Crunch dinners in their lifetime too!  I don’t think that makes you a bad mom, but I do think it makes you a busy one.   The best way to combat those busy times in your life is planning, planning, planning!

 Generally, most of us know when the busy seasons at church are going to happen.  As you see the busy times approaching, make plans to take care of the kids first.  Whether that’s finding babysitters, planning convenience meals, or asking someone to bring food to the church, it’s important to make sure that your kids are not the last thing on your TO DO list.  This planning is less about having a candy bar for dinner and more about what you are communicating to your kids when you don’t plan for their basic needs in your busy day.  No matter how important ministry is in the lives of those you will touch through your church service, there are no people on this earth that you will influence more than your own children.  Pre-planning elevates their status to “more-important-than-church”.  Ministry kids are usually pretty flexible.  Most understand a chaotic lifestyle and are willing to sacrifice and eat chips and honey buns for dinner occasionally!  The problem comes in when we consistently make them second place to decorating for the church social or running copies for VBS.  Force yourself to become organized.  Bow out of things that other people in the church can do.  Focus yourself on the most important relationships in your life.  

 Plan to make your kids the number one priority over church duties and vending machine dinners won’t be a source of guilt.  Those moments will become a treat and a memory-maker.

 Love,

DW

 

The Pastor and the Princess

Dear DW-

 Some people might call me a prima donna.  Others might call me selfish.  I prefer to think of myself as a Princess.  Sometimes I want the universe to revolve around me!  There’s only one problem, I’m married to a pastor.  When we were dating, my future husband gave me a lot of attention.  We became best friends and I never wanted to be apart from him.  I guess that’s where the selfish part comes in, I miss him.  I don’t like sharing him with so many other people.  I want him all to myself.  He’s my whole universe but I feel like Pluto in his universe.  I want to be the Sun.  I want to be sitting on the throne next to him, not waiting in his court as one of his many admirers.  I want to be his Princess again.  Am I a prima donna?  Tell me the truth.  Is it wrong to be jealous of the time he shares with all those people at church?

 The Pastor and the Princess

 

Dear Princess, 

I don’t think it’s selfish to want to be your husband’s best friend, but I wonder from your letter what you thought life would be like when you married a pastor.  A part of living with a pastor is sharing his time with other people.  There’s servant hood and sacrifice involved in this calling and you are a part of that now.  That may mean not always being the center of attention. 

 HOWEVER, in my encouragement for you to share a little of your husband’s face time with other people, one thing you should never sacrifice is “relationship” with your husband.  I am sensing that relationship and quality time are suffering a bit in your situation.  Have you discussed how you feel with your husband?  He needs to know that you are feeling like you have to “request an audience” to be in his presence.  You might not always be able to be the Sun in his universe but you certainly should be closer than Pluto!  Let’s shoot for Venus or Mercury even on the busy days in ministry.  And you should always feel confident that you are his Princess even when he is not able to spend a lot of time with you. 

 What do you need from him in order to feel the intimacy and specialness that has waned in your relationship?  Have you shared your need for attention with him?  And while you are thinking this through, are you being fair?  Are your time and attention expectations realistic?  It’s imperative that you discuss this with him.  He needs to know how you are feeling. 

 It’s not selfish for a wife to want to have the best part of what her husband has to give.  It’s biblical.  Husbands should love their wives and give themselves up for her just as Christ gave Himself up for the church.  He should cherish her just as Christ cherishes the church (Ephesians 5:25-32).  Sounds like “Princess” might not be such a far reaching title for yourself!   When you feel loved, you won’t have a need to feel jealous.  Balance this Princess thing with respect for your husband and you will not be seen as a prima donna to your congregation, instead, your marriage will become a beautiful living picture of Jesus’ relationship to the church. 

 Love,

DW

Missing Mom at Christmas

Dear DW, 

We have been in ministry for five years.  For five years, my husband has been involved with the Christmas Eve service.  Because of this, we don’t even start our holiday travel to see family until Christmas day.  Everything is a big rush so that we can make it back to church for the next Sunday.  This is the only time of year that I get to see my whole family.  I love our church, but do I have to sacrifice my family every year at Christmas? 

Missing Mom at Christmas

 

Dear Missing Mom, 

In Matthew 10, Jesus talks about loving Him more than we love the members of our own family.  I don’t think this means that we have to sacrifice everything for the annual Christmas Eve service!  You need to draw a line.  It’s ok to occasionally take a real vacation over the holidays.  The congregation can lead more than they think they can.  Give them the opportunity.  If you have other pastors, let them rotate leadership for this one service a year.  I think your congregation will understand.  I bet not many of them have made it to all five of the last five years of Christmas Eve services.  It’s good to retreat as a minister’s family.  Take some time to step away and just be removed. 

You didn’t mention where your husband stands on this issue.  All of this goes for him too.  Sometimes in our pastors’ zeal to serve, they forget to refresh and renew.  When you are new in ministry, especially when you love your church, it’s really hard to step away for even a week to go visit family.  Talk with your husband about your desire for some balance over the holidays.  Even if he doesn’t miss your Mom as much as you do, he needs some Sabbath time as well!

 Love,

DW~

 

Alone Again

Dear DW, 

My husband works all of the time.  When he’s not at church doing some kind of meeting or bible study, he’s at home on the computer or on the phone counseling someone.  I can’t remember the last time we had a date or even an uninterrupted conversation.  I know his ministry is more than just a job so I feel bad saying anything when I know that these people really do need help.  I’m willing to share him for the sake of God’s kingdom, but it’s starting to get lonely around here.  Is this the sacrifice I have to make to be married to a pastor? 

Alone Again in

Arkansas

Dear Alone Again,

 Yes, sacrifice is a part of a ministry spouses’ life, however, when you start describing your life as lonely, the red flags go up.  I have a rule in my household regarding “worthy ministry” that helped revolutionize the way my husband and I view what is really important enough to interrupt our private time together.  Whenever presented with a ministry opportunity, we ask ourselves these two questions:

1.  Is this something that has eternal value?
2. Is this something that someone else could easily do? 

Some examples: 

• Running up to church during dinner because someone forgot to lock the doors has no eternal value and could definitely be done by someone else.  
• Running up to church during dinner because someone’s family is in crisis has eternal value and requires your husband’s attention.  
• Going to a football game to support a teenager from your church could have eternal value, but it is something that someone else could easily do.  
• It may be necessary for your husband to conduct a leader’s meeting, but can it happen at a different time than on your only day off. 

Considering these questions before disrupting your family time for ministry will help you be a more supportive spouse and help your husband be a more attentive husband.  It’s helped my family to organize our ministry and family time much more effectively.  It also forces us to allow other people the chance to be involved in ministries that my husband might have just done himself in the past. 

Recognize the red flags.  Please sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel.  Reassure him that you are supportive of him in ministry but you need some more time with him.  I challenge you and your husband to try out the question method and see if it doesn’t transform your time together and maybe even your ministry!

 With love,

 DW~