Category Archives: Transitions

Disillusioned with Ministry

Dear DW, 

What do you do when it seems like no one is responding to your ministry?  How do you keep going when the sacrifice doesn’t seem worth it?  It’s hard for me to watch my spouse struggle day in and day out when it all seems futile.  These people are never going to change. 

Disillusioned in Denver

 

Dear Disillusioned- 

When you come to this point in ministry, it’s time to reconnect with “why” you began this journey in the first place.  I know you have a few mountains around your area.  Escape to one and have some serious alone time with God.  Ask Him to remind you why this is worth it.  Ask Him to show you His view of your sacrifices.  Ask Him to help you remember those that may have been touched by your ministry.   

When I think back over some of the most difficult ministry situations we have faced, it’s always that one person who “got it” that made all the sacrifice worth it.  I’m heartbroken for the hundreds that missed what God had for them, but I recognize that this path is narrow and Jesus said that most people will choose the easier way.  We serve and sacrifice for the few who will respond. 

 Some suggested questions for your escape time with God:

  • Is my discouragement about this church or is it about our calling to ministry?
  • Have I been serving in my own strength instead of God’s strength?
  • Is our ministry coming to a close at this church?
  • If I never see another life changed, is it enough that I was obedient to God’s call?
  • What can I do to encourage my spouse?  How can I make our home a place of respite and peace from the struggle of ministry? 

“I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.  He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber.”  Psalm 121:1-3 

Love,

DW

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First Interview

Dear DW, 

Any advice for a newbie going on their first interview?  I don’t know what to expect and, truthfully, I don’t understand why I am going on the interview as the spouse.  I get the point of traveling to see the area we might live in and meeting the people from the church but I’m a bit confused as to the reason I need to be in the interview meeting. 

Nervous in North Carolina

 

Dear Nervous, 

Congratulations and look out below…you are entering the adventure zone!   Yes, most churches want to meet the spouse of their ministerial candidate because they understand that the spouse can affect every aspect of the ministry that happens at their church.  They also want you to see if you can live in their community and if you will fit in with their people.  But as you climb into the interview car, I do have two pieces of advice for you: Step carefully and enjoy the ride.   

Step carefully– Be cautious of how much you interject into the conversation.  This church is interviewing your spouse, not you.  Your role should be fly-on-the-wall.  Observe everyone and take in all that your spouse will be missing as they go through the inquisition.  Be your spouse’s sixth sense.   

Also, beware of the “twofer”.  (That’s two-for-one if you don’t speak country.)  If you start hearing questions like, “Do you play an instrument?” and “Do you have any interest in ______ ministry?” you know that they have already started shopping in the BOGO section.  Make a plan with your spouse as to how this will be handled if it comes up in the interview. 

Enjoy the ride– Consider the interview as the dating portion of your relationship with this church.  You are both trying to figure out if this will be a good match.  Most churches are kind and generous when interviewing prospective pastors.  This is your opportunity to learn about them and be treated in ways that you might not experience once you are hired.  Enjoy the dinners, town tours, and gracious introductions while you are still infatuated with each other. 

Approach this interview like God has a purpose in it even if you do not end up finding your perfect match.  Pray that you and your spouse will be a blessing to these people even if it’s not the place for you.  Will something you say or do help them as they search for the right pastor?  There’s no guilt in saying “no” if you approach every interview as an opportunity for ministry…even if it’s only a one-meeting relationship.

 So don’t be Nervous.  Have fun on your first step toward the adventure zone!  Churches don’t usually bite in the interview process.  (That comes later.)  🙂

Love,

DW

 

I Lost My Mentor

Dear DW,

 I am heartbroken.  I have moved to a new church and I have lost my mentor.  When we entered ministry seven years ago, the pastor’s wife at our church took me under her wing and helped me assimilate into the ministry lifestyle.  All of the pastor’s wives at our church were really close.  In our new church, the pastor’s wife has barely spoken to me.  I don’t understand why she is not reaching out to me as the new person.  I am really lonely and I desperately miss my mentor.  I guess I’m just looking for some encouragement.

Friend-less in Friendswood

 

Dear Friend-less in Friendswood,

It sounds like you had the joy of being in a very unique situation in your last church.  I wish that all spouses had a warm and welcoming ministry spouse to assimilate them into ministry.  The reality is that most churches are more like the one you are in now.  (Sorry to break the bad news!)

 My greatest encouragement to you is that you don’t let the legacy that your mentor gave you go to waste by waiting for someone to reach out to you.  Even though you are the new person on the block, be the one to make the first move.  You obviously know more about being inclusive and hospitable than the other spouses at your church.  Set the example.  Be the change you want to see in others.

I have this vision of Pedro talking to Napoleon Dynamite about how he is going to ask the most popular girl at school to a dance.  “I’ll build her a cake or something…”  Of course, you think that there is no way that this tactic is going to work and… it doesn’t.  But, it’s obvious that somewhere in Summer’s heart, she has found a soft place for Pedro.  Reaching out to other ministry spouses may be something like that scene from Napoleon Dynamite.  It will be awkward and uncomfortable.  You might feel like a dork.  You may not get the response you want.   But if you keep baking enough cakes, eventually, someone is going to respond.  (Deb went to the dance with Pedro!) 

 A lot of spouses are lonely in ministry.  We need more Pedro’s who have the courage to reach out to others even though they are the new kid.  Pedro affected a lot of change at his school in his own gawky way.  You can too.

 Love,
DW~

Moving…AGAIN!

Dear DW,

I am writing you as I sit among a mountain of boxes in my living room.  I feel like just when things start to get comfortable and familiar, we move.  Is there ever stability in ministry life?

Moving… AGAIN!

 

Dear Moving…AGAIN, 

You know you have moved a lot when the people around you start commenting that you pack so well you could be a professional mover!   Personally, I relate to that scene in The Incredibles where the wife has just unpacked the last box in her house after three years and Mr. Incredible is calling to let her know that it’s time to move. 

I’ve known many pastors’ families who have served their churches for many years without moving.  Sometimes God plants us in a community and He uses deep roots and longevity of relationship to work in the hearts of people around us.  Other families I know have moved numerous times in the course of their ministries and God has used them in special ways “for such a time as this” at each of the churches where they have served.   

I don’t know what God has in store for your family, but I do know that while God might not always move us physically, He constantly challenges our stability.  Even if you have the privilege of serving in one place for your whole ministry, you might not ever feel completely comfortable or stable.  I have some friends who have served at the same church in Youth Ministry for 20 years.  In that time, they have had at least six Senior Pastors.  Even though they have lived in the same house, there has been nothing stable about ministry life! 

Ministry life is about challenge.  It’s about the refining of your faith.  It pushes us beyond what we thought we could handle so that we finally understand what God can handle.  So as you sit among the boxes, don’t long for the comfortable.  It’s in the unfamiliar where God works!  I hope you grab all you can from Him on your next adventure.

 Love~

DW

 

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