I’m pregnant and I’m married to a minister. I am very uncomfortable with all the attention that I am getting. I don’t want people touching me. It’s not ok. But for some reason, EVERYONE wants to pat my belly and talk about my body! What happened to decorum and privacy? Did I lose that when my husband started receiving a paycheck from the church?
Barbara Baby Bump
Dear Barbara Baby Bump,
What I want to say to you is “Absolutely Not! The church didn’t purchase your privacy when your husband accepted the position.” It is true. But if I am going to be completely honest with you, I have to say that ministry does require the loss of some privacy to be effective. These people are doing life with you. They are excited about the things that are happening in your life. And they are looking to your family as an example of how to navigate their own lives.
By virtue of your husband’s position, you have become somewhat of a “local celebrity”- whether you wanted to or not. Your congregation will want to participate in what is happening with you. And, because a twitter feed is probably not the best way to update them on your progress, they are going to be in your personal business!
However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t tell the “paparazzi” what their boundaries are. You can control whether or not you are touched and politely ignore questions about what kind of delivery you are going to have. It’s ok to tell them what makes you feel uncomfortable.
But do expect for this behavior to continue. People are excited and sometimes it’s difficult for them discern where your line is. Since hiring bodyguards probably isn’t the best option, be patient with them. Most of this behavior is sincerely out of concern and love for you and your family.
I have a two year old child and a six month old baby. I am pretty picky about who babysits them. There’s a lady at church who keeps offering to have her daughter come over and watch the children for me. She says she wants to give me a break and that it will be good “practice” for her daughter. I don’t want this girl to “practice” babysitting on my kids but this lady keeps insisting. It’s getting to where I try to avoid her in the hallways so I don’t have to talk to her. I know that she is trying to be nice and give me a break, but I don’t think that her daughter is old enough or experienced enough to take care of two toddlers. I feel really bad for being ungrateful for the offer. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I’m running out of excuses at this point. I feel like I’m going to have to let this girl watch the kids so that this will end.
Dear Picky Mommy,
You are in no way obligated by mandate of ministry to allow people to practice babysitting on your children. This does not make you ungrateful, it shows your wisdom. These children were entrusted to you by God and just because your husband is paid by the church doesn’t mean that the church people get to do, say, or practice whatever they want on your family. It’s good to draw clear boundaries early on when you have children in ministry. There is no reason for you to feel bad about letting people know what is acceptable and not acceptable in regards to your household. Do you think this lady would want you dictating how her daughter should get to school in the mornings or how she should wear her hair? Do you think for a second that she would hesitate to tell you that you are not welcome to make those decisions for her? Why would you let this woman decide for you who is going to babysit your kids? You do not have to feel pressured to please everyone in the church who has some suggestion for your family no matter how noble the offer may be.
I would encourage you to draw a strong line with this lady. Stop making excuses; she’s not getting the subtle approach. Kindly thank her for her offer but let her know that you are picky about who watches your kids. If you still feel the need to spare her feelings, tell her that you already have a regular babysitter. What would you rather do, save face or protect your children? That pit in your stomach is not going to go away as you pull out of the driveway with the children in the care of this woman’s daughter. Your lack of confrontation will only complicate the matter. Stand up now. Good grief, if you are going to have a reputation for being ungrateful or unkind, it might as well be over something that really matters like your children!
I’m having a problem with a woman in my church. She really is a nice lady, but she has pushed me too far. I have a five month old baby. He’s my first child. This lady must have a sixth sense because as soon as I come into the church building, there she is whisking away with my baby. A few weeks ago, I thought I saw her feeding him ice cream. Today, I walked around the corner and saw her letting him suck soda from a straw!!! I am fuming mad! She’s a sweet woman who has been somewhat of a mentor to me in the past. I know she loves babies but recently she has just about frayed my last nerve. I’m not sure what to do. I’m finding myself hiding and doing everything I can to avoid her when I see her. I don’t want to lose her friendship and, honestly, I don’t want to offend a church member. What do I do?
Frayed and Torn in Nevada
Dear Frayed and Torn-
Since this is your first baby in ministry, I want to help you with your priorities: Baby, #1, Church Lady #31. You have permission to offend! It’s ok to assert yourself where your kids are concerned. It’s probably not going to be the last time so you might as well practice while your son is still a baby.
I am getting the feeling that the reason you haven’t already dealt with your angst is because this lady is not just anybody in the church. It sounds like she has been someone special to you. Even more important that you approach her about how you are feeling. You don’t want to spend your time hiding in the bushes from someone you admire as a mentor. Approach her about how you are feeling so that you can reconcile with her! If you value her friendship, make sure that this does not become a rift between the two of you. She may not even realize that she has crossed the boundary lines. Might you offend a church member or friend… yes. But your baby, your frayed nerves, and your friendship are worth the risk.
Avoidance is not going to make this better. Face it head on, chin up, and ready to take a blow. However, you may be surprised if that blow feels more like a soft apology and a hug from a friend.
DW~ Matthew 5:22-24
I am a youth pastor’s wife who loves to serve in the student ministry with my husband! For years, I’ve gone on all of the trips and have been a partner in every aspect of the student ministry. Recently, I gave birth to my second child and I am finding it more and more difficult to be a big part of what is happening at church. How do I manage two kids while being heavily involved in the student ministry?
Dear Baby Blues,
A wise woman once said to me that our lives are marked by seasons. It may be time to admit that this season of your life demands some lifestyle changes. Does that mean that you can no longer be a part of the student ministry? No way! But it may mean that the role you play in the course of the ministry will have to change for a period of time. This may be hard for you since you have been so immersed in serving “hands on” in the youth ministry. Think creatively about your new role. Pre-kids, you could go to the church building, go on trips, and go to events. Post-kids, instead of “go”-ing, you may need to have the events come to you. Get creative in the way you personally interact with teenagers. Some ideas for ministry that you can do with children in tow:
Host a small group in your home
Invite a few teenagers to help you with the kids
Become the taxi service for the ministry
Run errands for the upcoming youth events and ask some teenagers to come with you to pick up the items
If you are still feeling distant from the ministry, pick one major overnight event each year that you will attend and have someone else watch the children. Remember, the biggest impact and ministry you and your husband will ever have is on your own children. Your church teenagers need to see a successful, loving Christian family as a part of their discipleship process. This will require temporary sacrifice on your part that is well worth the time away from the ministry. You may find out that this season will teach you and your husband how to maximize your ministry time and give you ideas for student ministry that you would never have considered pre-kids. Before you know it, your kids will be older and you will be trying to figure out how to manage your own teenagers in your youth ministry!