My husband handles all the technical aspects of our church ministries. He was hired with the title Minister of Media. The problem is that he spends a lot of his time just fixing the computers in the church office. What happened to the “minister” part of his title? I don’t think that the staff sees him as a REAL pastor. He recruits and ministers to a large team of volunteers who run the all the tech in our services. He leads those volunteers in Bible Study and pastors their families. He has a religious undergraduate degree and he is a licensed minister. Why do they treat him like the IT guy? My husband tells me to blow it off and not worry about it. He’s a lot less concerned about this than I am, but I’m irritated. How do I get past this attitude?
Insulted in Indiana
This may be one of those things about ministry life that you are going to have to just let go of in order to find some peace. It is definitely our first reaction to defend our spouse when we see an injustice taking place. Especially when we think they deserve so much more respect than they are receiving at church. Changing your attitude starts with:
- Recognizing that while man sees the outward appearance, God sees the heart (I Samuel 16:7)
- Realizing that no matter what happens with the staff or congregation, we do our work as unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23-24)
- Start claiming God’s promise that what is sacrificed to Him in secret will be rewarded (Matthew 6:4-6)
And don’t diminish what your attitude can do for your spouse. It may be that the reason your husband can accept his relegated role so easily is because you see him as so much more. Sometimes it only takes one person, the most important person in our lives, recognizing the work we are doing to give us the strength to push through when ministry is difficult. Balance your admiration of your husband with the viewpoint that the only person you are really trying to please is God and I think your attitude will swiftly find adjustment.
I just got out of the hospital after having surgery and I will be in recovery for 4-6 weeks. During my three day hospital stay, not one person from church called to see how I was doing. My husband is one of the pastors at church. None of the other staff pastors called either. We have three kids and don’t live near family. Soon, we won’t have any help at home. I’m worried about how my husband and I are going to manage during the recovery. DW, Why wouldn’t anyone call or offer to help? Who’s our pastor?
Wounded 2 Ways in Texas
My heart is breaking for you. I wish I could come over and help! Who knows why people do what they do but here are some thoughts on what might be going through people’s heads:
“I don’t want to bother her when she is sick.”
“I’m sure her family is there to help and I don’t want to intrude.”
“The pastors will take care of it.”
“What if she had ‘female’ surgery-I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.”
“I’m positive that someone has already organized meals for them.”
“I’ll call once I know she’s out of the hospital….oops, has it been that long!”
While service, outreach, and sacrifice probably come naturally for your family (you are in ministry), it’s just not the bent of most people to meet someone’s needs unless they are asked to do so. Should they have known that you needed help…YES! And I’m boggled by the inaction of your fellow pastors! I’m hurt and disappointed for you that the pastors at your church did not reach out to your family during this time. Pastors should be the first ones to respond when someone on their team is hurting and in need. Unfortunately, ministry families are seen as “able to handle it”. There is an assumption by other pastors that “they will understand how busy I am”. In the Good Samaritan story, it was the Priest and Pharisee who walked right past a battered and dying man lying in the road (I wonder if he was a pastor’s spouse).
Wounded, you have 2 ways to handle this hurt. You can carry it around with you and let it fester and infect everything you do in ministry for the rest of your service there OR you can prick it now and let the pain and infection drain out giving you the chance to heal by choosing forgiveness. We all miss it sometimes. People and pastors mess up. You know pastors aren’t perfect-you live with one! I urge you to choose grace in this situation. Holding on to this hurt will only lead you to bitterness.
And, ASK FOR HELP! Don’t assume that people will know you need it. You and your husband need to call, pester and do what you have to do to let people know that you need help. It may surprise you to see who responds and what bonds are formed within the church when the pastor’s family admits that they are human and in need.
My prayer is that healing in all ways comes quickly.
It’s Pastor Appreciation month. This is the month that I always feel least appreciated. Our church takes up a Love Offering for the pastors on the last Sunday of this month. The Love Offering is promoted as being “split among the pastors”.
In the last five years, the Love Offering has been split 70-30 between the Senior Pastor and the Associate Pastor. (Besides my husband, we have two other pastors on staff.) All five pastors, secretaries, and janitors are given a $25 restaurant gift certificate with their paychecks.
I’m not resentful that the Pastor and Associate get the offering. They work very hard and deserve all of the appreciation they get. But it does feel like a slight that the other three pastors are given the same gift as the support staff. I also struggle to respond to congregation members who assume that our family received the Love Offering. I’m not sure what to say to them.
I feel guilty and ungrateful for even writing this all down-
Dear Mrs. Unappreciated,
Please don’t feel guilty! If you didn’t tell me, who would you tell? 🙂 It’s ok to have feelings of under appreciation for the sacrifices your family is making to be in ministry. The problem comes when we dwell in these moments and allow ourselves to set up a root of bitterness in our lives. We have to keep grounded in the fact that everything we do as ministry families is an act of service to God. God knows we are not in it for the money and gift cards!!
Focus on those people who DO appreciate your ministry. The ones who are excited that they had the opportunity to give to the Love Offering. If it’s the thought that counts, they COUNT! Graciously accept their encouragement and don’t dwell on the fact that the money never made it to your family.
And give credit where credit is due… don’t attribute the slight to your congregation, but to the leadership who made the decision to distribute the gifts in that manner. My preference is to assume that they are ignorant of how this action makes you feel. And even if they do know how it makes you feel, there’s nothing productive that you can do with that information. This just leads me back to the fact that they are ignorant…
Guard your heart. This is a tricky, slippery slope and all roads lead to bitterness. Remember, your real rewards will come much later and God has not forgotten your service:
“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.” Colossians 3:23-24
I am a very opinionated person and I’m not afraid to speak my mind. Can someone be too mouthy to be a pastor’s spouse?
Dear Big Mouth,
Good News-there’s no mold; God calls all kinds of people to be pastor’s spouses…even the mouthy ones! I don’t think that you have to go through a personality lobotomy to be a ministry spouse. God uses all that we are for His glory.
However, having said that, I do think that it is important for ministry spouses to consider that they have a much bigger influence and responsibility than the normal person in church. As a ministry spouse, your opinions not only represent you but can be mistakenly assumed to be the opinions of your spouse, your spouse’s ministry, and/or the whole church staff!
Consider your audience when you give your opinion. Is this something that might influence their spiritual life negatively if I say it? “Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.” Colossians 4:5-6
Use your mouthiness as a vehicle of grace. It’s an honor and a trust for God to give ministry spouses such a big of a sphere of influence. Be who you are. God chose YOU for this role, not some mousy, shy, fading flower. Trust that He knows what He’s doing.
Last week the church secretary approached me during the worship service and commented on my dress. She made sure to mention that it had been a long time since I had worn a dress and it was nice to finally see me in one. The week before, a different lady told me how nice it was that I wear dresses every Sunday because it had become so rare to see that in church. WHAT?!!! #1) Why do they care so much what I wear? #2)Whatever is clean is what gets put on the body that Sunday. What’s up with the fashion police!? Next week I think I’ll go naked and see what they have to say.
Au Naturel in Jacksonville, FL
Dear Au Naturel,
Wow! I guess you didn’t realize that when you became a ministry spouse you instantly turned into Jackie O. How does that verse go- “Church ladies look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart”- something like that (I Samuel 16:7).
You made me laugh and I think that is the only way to deal with situations like yours. Of course it is utterly ridiculous that these ladies have expectations of you regarding what you wear to church, but realistically, nothing you say or do is going to change their expectations of how you should clothe yourself for worship. There are some things as a ministry spouse that we have to be sensitive about when it comes to the congregation and their opinions and feelings about us. Clothing should not be one of them as long as you are biblical in your expression of it; “ Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart…” I Peter 3:3-4. Be careful not to put too much stock in the ignorance of flippant comments. Ministry is stressful enough without indulging every single expectation church people have of you. Be comfortable in your own skin by knowing that you choose to please God first, the “paparazzi” second. And as for going naked….intriguing… somehow I think your husband might appreciate that much more than the church ladies!
I am so tired of the people at church. Sometimes I wish I could just melt into the wall and pretend that I don’t exist. Their comments rub my raw nerves and leave me crying in the corner. However, this week I received a note from a lady in my church who told me how much she appreciated my sacrifice of time by allowing my spouse to minister to her family. I hate it when these church people ruin my negative perception of them!! I want to be angry and then they go and encourage me. Church people SUCK…and then they don’t.
Boggled in CT
Thank you for sharing your raw and honest opinion of church people. I think that most of us as ministry spouses go through a myriad of emotions when it comes to people in the church. It’s people like this lady who sent you the note who make it all worth it in the end. The ones who acknowledge that the lifestyle you lead is not the easiest and then seek to support you. They keep us going in ministry. But people of this quality seem to be few and far between. It seems that our congregants have not read the verse in Hebrews that says, “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you.” (Hebrews 13:17 NLV) That’s why it is so important to cling on to those few beautiful and rare moments when someone blesses you in ways you did not expect. When church people SUCK, pull out your note and remember the blessing. When you want to disappear, remember the few people who you would miss if you were gone. When you want to cry, think of the small appreciations that you have known. Release yourself to love church people despite what they do and God will surprise you with those rare few who give you the blessing of serving with joy. Besides, anger is not profitable for producing anything but wrinkles! 🙂 I choose joy!
For the last three years, the only thing people at church have called me is “brother John’s wife”. Seriously, I don’t think some of them even know my first name. There are days when I feel like I am losing my identity. I used to be a leader who was known for who I am as an individual. Since marrying a pastor, it’s like everything I do is judged in light of who he is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud to be John’s wife and I love serving God with him, but sometimes I feel like everything I am is getting lost in the bright light of his ministry. Will I ever just get to be ME again?
In The Shadow
Dear In The Shadow:
Being a ministry spouse does often force us to play a very submissive role in our church lives. I know that’s a hard place to be when you are used to being a leader. Having your spouse “on display” while you are noticed only for the role you play in your spouse’s ministry can minimize your identity as a person. But, I want to challenge you to think deeper about how much control you really have over your place in the shadows…
My question to you is this: Are you pursuing what God has called you to do or are you choosing to live in your husband’s shadow out of necessity or convenience?
Obligation to ministry is not good for you, your spouse, or the church. Be honest with yourself and explore whether or not you are perpetuating this identity loss by not seeking exactly what it is that God may be asking you to do. Are you fully using your spiritual gifts and talents in the church or are you doing just what is “expected” of you?
And here comes the hard part: It’s time to have a serious conversation with your husband. He needs to know how you are feeling and you both need to discuss how things are going to change so that you can truly express yourself as a person. This may mean simply taking up a hobby or participating in a class where no one knows who he is. It could mean volunteering in a different ministry area of the church than the one he administers.
It’s your choice to allow yourself to disappear. Start to redefine how you can express yourself as an individual in this ministry relationship. I feel confident that once you find that niche that you can call uniquely yours, people will start to know your first name again.