I recently discovered from my kids that people at school single them out as the “religious ones”. I must have been sticking my head in the sand all these years because I had no idea that they were being treated differently at school. They expressed feeling a lot of pressure from students and teachers to be better than other people. They said that they are frequently told, “Aren’t YOU a PASTOR’S kid?!”, when they do or say anything that might be considered out of the norm for a Christian. I’m disturbed that they are being singled out because of our choice to pursue ministry. How do I protect them from this scrutiny?
Ostrich in Ohio
I’m not sure there is a way for you to protect them from what people say or how your kids are labeled when you are not around. We can’t control other people’s actions; we can only teach our kids how to stand up under the scrutiny.
Some ideas that might help to protect their hearts:
Give them permission to be normal. Let them know that you don’t expect them to be perfect because their parents are in ministry. Tell them you expect them to be perfect so that everyone will know what great parents they have! (jk) Allow them to be who they are, not what is dictated to them by others and empower them to say that to their peers and teachers.
Make your home a “safe zone”. As much as possible, don’t allow your kids to tear each other down at home. They get enough of that at school without having to deal with it at home as well. Promote encouragement. It takes a lot of positive statements to manage the discouraging ones.
Help them make their faith their own. If your kids are going to be singled out as the “religious ones”, it might as well be because of their own Christianity and not because of their parent’s occupation. Ask your children what kinds of things they are singled out for and talk through how they might handle that situation in the future. Challenge what they believe so that they can form their own opinions about faith. Ask them to tell you what their friends believe and let them tell you what they think about that opinion. Don’t tell them what to think, but guide them toward the truth as you discuss. Then, when they are confronted at school, they will know how to express their own convictions about faith.
Keep the dialog open. Now that you are aware of what is happening at school, keep the conversation open. Do periodic maintenance checks to allow your kids to blow off any steam that may have built up over time.
Pray! Unfortunately, when we commit to ministry, our innocent children have to live with the consequences of our choices. Cover them in prayer. They have a target on their back. But here’s the good news, the God who created them in the womb knew that they would be born into ministry and He loves them more than we ever could. We have to trust that He will protect them when we can’t.
I wish there was a way to insulate our kids from the consequences of having parents in ministry. They could have been born to any number of dysfunctional people, but the Lord picked you as their parents! Stand tall in your choices, Ostrich. Dysfunctional as the ministry lifestyle might be, I prefer to believe that the consequences of obedience to the Lord is better than anything the world may offer to our children.
A lady from church just approached me and asked if she could take me out for a makeover. She was very humble when she approached me and she said that she wanted to give me this makeover as her special gift. I told her I would go next week but I have mixed emotions about it. I mean, really, do I look like I need a makeover?? Is she just trying to be nice?? I don’t know! And that is bothering me. I don’t want to over think this whole thing but I’m a little uncomfortable. On one hand, I want to call her up and cancel, and on the other hand, I really would love to have a makeover and get to know this lady a little better. I feel crazy for being suspicious of her motives. I’m not sure what to do.
Dear Skeptical Sally,
Sometimes living the ministry lifestyle forces us into an attitude of cautiousness. Jesus himself said that we should be as “shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves”. * (Interestingly enough, He was giving instructions to a group of people He was sending out to do ministry!)
I know you have mixed feelings about this lady; however, I don’t think that you should let your apprehension limit the “Church” in the way that they want to bless you. If your feelings about this lady make you sick to your stomach, it may be time to graciously bail out of the date. But, if you have gotten to the point in ministry where you are suspicious of everyone, it may be time to allow God to stretch you beyond your comfort zone. You know when you are getting a Holy Spirit stop sign and when you are letting past trespasses get in the way of new friendships.
Just because someone offers you a makeover doesn’t mean you have to take it, but check your heart. Be shrewd AND innocent. This may be just the opportunity you need to prove that some church people are worthy of your trust.
What is happening to me?! I feel like I just walked into bizarre-o world! Several weeks ago, the pastor called us up to the front of the church and told everyone that we were in the process of becoming full-time missionaries. Our close friends have known this but not many other people until recently. Since it was announced, I can’t seem to set foot in the church building without people feeling compelled to give me their opinion! Not just on becoming a missionary, but on everything- my kids, my spouse, my clothing!! Up until a few weeks ago, I was just a church member, but this announcement seems to have put me into some alter-world category that makes people I have known for years feel the freedom to openly run with diarrhea of the mouth. I never asked for or invited this kind of attention. How do I make it STOP!?
I’m not a pastor’s spouse!
Dear “not a Pastor’s spouse”,
While your spouse may not be a pastor, you have unwittingly found the key and unlocked the door that leads to the Secret World of Pastor’s Spouses. Unfortunately, it’s too late to retreat. This “bizarre-o world” has begun to take over, but the good news is, you do have control in your new alter reality. I’m sure that you have already recognized that some of these people lavishing you with unwarranted attention do have good motives. They want to encourage you and, in some small way, be a part of what you are doing for the Lord. In fact, I believe most people THINK that’s what they are doing when they feel compelled to give opinions. But, being in the Secret World of Pastor’s Spouses is kind of like when a woman is pregnant. Everyone, including strangers, feel compelled to tell her pregnancy stories (to help her out, of course!). They also like to reach out and touch her in places that they never would touch if she wasn’t pregnant. It’s uncomfortable. Privacy and sometimes decency are encroached on in this world. But it’s mostly harmless and with time you do get used to it. In a few more weeks, you will be able to figure out who is safe, who you need to smile and nod at, who you need to avoid in the hallway, and who might become a new friend.
There is no way to avoid this attention. We can’t control other people’s actions or stupidity. But you can filter the comments, judge actions rightly, and respond transparently. When you feel like someone has crossed the line, it’s ok to tell them so.
You may not have invited this kind of attention, but God may want to use your new platform for His Glory. Don’t be so quick to slam the door and throw away the key because of the initial shock of what you have experienced. Come in. Look around. There’s beauty in this secret world too. I hope you discover it soon.
My husband is a full-time paid youth pastor. At every family gathering, we hear the same question, “When is Mike getting a ‘real job’?” How can we make the family understand that this IS a REAL JOB?! Urrrgh! I’m taking someone down if I hear it one more time!
Hittin’ Below the Belt
Dear Hittin’ Below the Belt,
Repeat after me…Serenity now…Serenity now! 🙂 Put away your boxing gloves for a minute and consider something with me. When you were on the other side of the pew as a church member only, what did you think the staff did for work? Did you imagine that they worked more than a couple of days a week? Did anything about the staff EVER cross your mind at all unless they were in front of you during church? The reality is this: unless you grew up in a ministry family, you don’t have any idea how much time, energy, effort, or pizza goes into youth ministry! You don’t know about the midnight crisis phone calls from parents. You would think it was a joke if someone told you that they were “working” while on Facebook. Taking 40 teenagers to an amusement park looks like the easiest way in the world to make a living! It’s on the other side of that church bus key where you discover what it really means to WORK in youth ministry. Give your family a break. Take some hits on the chin for Jesus. The reward for your work is coming from Him anyway and He knows from personal experience how demanding full-time ministry can be.
“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.” Colossians 3:23-24
Last week the church secretary approached me during the worship service and commented on my dress. She made sure to mention that it had been a long time since I had worn a dress and it was nice to finally see me in one. The week before, a different lady told me how nice it was that I wear dresses every Sunday because it had become so rare to see that in church. WHAT?!!! #1) Why do they care so much what I wear? #2)Whatever is clean is what gets put on the body that Sunday. What’s up with the fashion police!? Next week I think I’ll go naked and see what they have to say.
Au Naturel in Jacksonville, FL
Dear Au Naturel,
Wow! I guess you didn’t realize that when you became a ministry spouse you instantly turned into Jackie O. How does that verse go- “Church ladies look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart”- something like that (I Samuel 16:7).
You made me laugh and I think that is the only way to deal with situations like yours. Of course it is utterly ridiculous that these ladies have expectations of you regarding what you wear to church, but realistically, nothing you say or do is going to change their expectations of how you should clothe yourself for worship. There are some things as a ministry spouse that we have to be sensitive about when it comes to the congregation and their opinions and feelings about us. Clothing should not be one of them as long as you are biblical in your expression of it; “ Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart…” I Peter 3:3-4. Be careful not to put too much stock in the ignorance of flippant comments. Ministry is stressful enough without indulging every single expectation church people have of you. Be comfortable in your own skin by knowing that you choose to please God first, the “paparazzi” second. And as for going naked….intriguing… somehow I think your husband might appreciate that much more than the church ladies!
I am so tired of the people at church. Sometimes I wish I could just melt into the wall and pretend that I don’t exist. Their comments rub my raw nerves and leave me crying in the corner. However, this week I received a note from a lady in my church who told me how much she appreciated my sacrifice of time by allowing my spouse to minister to her family. I hate it when these church people ruin my negative perception of them!! I want to be angry and then they go and encourage me. Church people SUCK…and then they don’t.
Boggled in CT
Thank you for sharing your raw and honest opinion of church people. I think that most of us as ministry spouses go through a myriad of emotions when it comes to people in the church. It’s people like this lady who sent you the note who make it all worth it in the end. The ones who acknowledge that the lifestyle you lead is not the easiest and then seek to support you. They keep us going in ministry. But people of this quality seem to be few and far between. It seems that our congregants have not read the verse in Hebrews that says, “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you.” (Hebrews 13:17 NLV) That’s why it is so important to cling on to those few beautiful and rare moments when someone blesses you in ways you did not expect. When church people SUCK, pull out your note and remember the blessing. When you want to disappear, remember the few people who you would miss if you were gone. When you want to cry, think of the small appreciations that you have known. Release yourself to love church people despite what they do and God will surprise you with those rare few who give you the blessing of serving with joy. Besides, anger is not profitable for producing anything but wrinkles! 🙂 I choose joy!