I’ve never said this out loud because it sounds so selfish, but I really want to know. WHEN IS IT MY TURN! The entire time we’ve been married, I have been submissively standing by my husband’s side while he pursued ministry. I’ve been a great pastor’s wife. I’ve been at every church service. I’ve volunteered for a zillion ministries. I’ve stood by him and consoled him in every joyful and painful situation we have ever faced. I have endured years of sacrifice while he pursued his seminary degree and now his doctorate. But when is it my turn?
Pouting in Peoria
Dear Pouting in Peoria,
Thank you for having the courage to admit this out loud! I think that a lot of pastor’s wives silently wonder if the only purpose they have in their lives is to stand by their husband’s side and support him while he pursues all of his ministry dreams. They throw off any dreams they may have had before they got married because ministry seemed so much more noble and godly than anything they had planned for themselves. After all, ministry has eternal value. “God’s work” wins out every time when you think about that journalism career you wanted or your dream of being a nurse. And this thought is perpetuated by the voices in your head that accuse you of selfishness and neglect for even daring to think you could pursue being more than “just a” pastor’s wife. Sometimes those voices come to life in our congregants and maybe even in our husbands. I once had a pastor tell me that his wife’s purpose was to stay home and raise their children so that he could do ministry. How small we make God when we limit ALL that He can purpose for His creation.
Pouting in Peoria, NOW is YOUR turn. If you think that God may be prompting you to be more than what you define as your role as a pastor’s wife, you need to tell your husband. Give him the opportunity to be a part of what God is doing in your life. Most godly husbands want to encourage and please their wives. Open the discussion door and see what happens. Our spouse often sees more in us than we see in ourselves. And don’t negate what God may have planned for your future by making the assumption that it won’t work in the context of your ministry lifestyle. God is very creative and He can do so much more than we could ever ask or think.
I can’t close without pointing out the tinge of resentment I sensed in your letter. Guard your heart from bitterness. God does ask us to sacrifice but He only wants it if it is presented with wholeheartedness and joy. Be careful not to lay the whole responsibility of the loss of your dream solely at your husband’s feet. It’s not selfish to want your turn unless it comes at the cost of rejecting all that you have pursued together up to this point.