Newbie wants to Know

Dear DW,

I am very new to ministry.  It’s only been about 4 months since my spouse joined the church staff.  We are very excited to be here!  But, I have to admit that I am already feeling some differences between what it was like to be a regular church member and what it is like to be married to a staff member.  What is your best advice for a new ministry spouse?

                                                                                                    Newbie wants to Know

 Dear Newbie,

Hmmmm…my best advice: Don’t panic, hold on tight, and enjoy the ride!

Don’t panic–

            Ministry is difficult.  Even the best churches have their share of behind the scenes disunity, politics, and posturing.  When you read books like Corinthians, Ephesians, and Galatians, you realize that none of these issues are new.  The church is made up of people and people are inherently flawed.  What you will see and experience has happened to the saints before you.  You are not alone in your struggle no matter what happens. 

Hold on tight–

            It’s important to nurture relationships.  Avoid isolation like the plague.  Your ministry, sanity, and marriage depend on it.  It’s easy to draw inward when difficulties come your way, but the best medicine for combating isolation is to reach out to others.  Some ways to hold on tight:                                                                                                                            

• Immerse yourself in the Bible. Find a Bible study group to join in addition to your personal Bible study.                              
• Ask your best/lifelong friends to pray for you and then, stay in touch.                                                                                                     –
• Reach out to new friends at church and try your best to befriend the staff and spouses.  Be the inviter, don’t wait for an invitation.                                                                                                                                                                                                                              
• Find mentors (they don’t have to know they are your mentor) and learn from their experience.  Your mentors should be people who have character traits you want to emulate.  It’s not a requirement for them to be in ministry.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
• Engage with those who can relate to your experience as a ministry spouse through conferences and denominational events.  Seek out pastoral staff/spouses from other churches in your community and search for online support groups.

Enjoy the ride–

No matter where this adventure takes you, know that there is always a reward.  Nothing that God ordains is futility.  We are sometimes privileged to see the results of our sacrifice, but other times we are not.  Many Bible verses point to this truth, but one that I have been meditating on lately is Hebrews 10:35-36, “So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord.  Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.” (NLV)  It’s a joy to be chosen to participate in God’s plan for His church.  Don’t let hardships blind you to the joy of the journey.

Hope this helps as you continue to follow God in excitement with your spouse!

Love,

DW~

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First Interview

Dear DW, 

Any advice for a newbie going on their first interview?  I don’t know what to expect and, truthfully, I don’t understand why I am going on the interview as the spouse.  I get the point of traveling to see the area we might live in and meeting the people from the church but I’m a bit confused as to the reason I need to be in the interview meeting. 

Nervous in North Carolina

 

Dear Nervous, 

Congratulations and look out below…you are entering the adventure zone!   Yes, most churches want to meet the spouse of their ministerial candidate because they understand that the spouse can affect every aspect of the ministry that happens at their church.  They also want you to see if you can live in their community and if you will fit in with their people.  But as you climb into the interview car, I do have two pieces of advice for you: Step carefully and enjoy the ride.   

Step carefully– Be cautious of how much you interject into the conversation.  This church is interviewing your spouse, not you.  Your role should be fly-on-the-wall.  Observe everyone and take in all that your spouse will be missing as they go through the inquisition.  Be your spouse’s sixth sense.   

Also, beware of the “twofer”.  (That’s two-for-one if you don’t speak country.)  If you start hearing questions like, “Do you play an instrument?” and “Do you have any interest in ______ ministry?” you know that they have already started shopping in the BOGO section.  Make a plan with your spouse as to how this will be handled if it comes up in the interview. 

Enjoy the ride– Consider the interview as the dating portion of your relationship with this church.  You are both trying to figure out if this will be a good match.  Most churches are kind and generous when interviewing prospective pastors.  This is your opportunity to learn about them and be treated in ways that you might not experience once you are hired.  Enjoy the dinners, town tours, and gracious introductions while you are still infatuated with each other. 

Approach this interview like God has a purpose in it even if you do not end up finding your perfect match.  Pray that you and your spouse will be a blessing to these people even if it’s not the place for you.  Will something you say or do help them as they search for the right pastor?  There’s no guilt in saying “no” if you approach every interview as an opportunity for ministry…even if it’s only a one-meeting relationship.

 So don’t be Nervous.  Have fun on your first step toward the adventure zone!  Churches don’t usually bite in the interview process.  (That comes later.)  🙂

Love,

DW

 

My Wife and the Green Monster

Dear DW, 

I am a youth pastor, married to my amazing wife for 10 years now (just celebrated it!) and have 2 amazing kids.   

Over the years we have been married, there have been times that my wife has been jealous of the women I work with in the churches where I have served.  Recently, she is more apprehensive than ever about the women I communicate with at church, whether it is a high school girl, a mom, or the reason I am writing today, an intern.   

I am proud to announce that I have never been unfaithful, physically or mentally, with any woman.  I don’t know what motivates her jealously.  I do know that over the years I have had an issue with being on my phone too often at home or falling asleep early during our time together in the evenings.  I also know I need to speak her love language more clearly.   

I know that she believes me when I tell her that I have stayed faithful, but she still doubts that I will remain that way because I may be tempted in the future by a woman.  Luckily, that has never been a struggle for me.  I know my wife comes first and I will never betray that.

 So what do I do?  Any help would be great. 

Thanks, 

Steady Eddie

 

 

Dear Steady Eddie, 

Each time I read your letter, whistles and sirens go off in my head that won’t stop screaming “WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!”  I feel nervous just writing back to you because I see your family walking through some danger zones that could be ministry-enders, maybe even marriage-enders, if not addressed very soon.   

I can see that you have done some serious soul searching in trying to figure out why your wife might feel jealous.  A good starting place for you would be to aggressively address the issues that you already know are a problem in your marriage.  Make a concerted effort to turn off the phone when you are at home.  Set some solid boundaries between family time and ministry time.  Organize your ministry schedule so that your wife gets you when you are most alert and fresh, not when you are struggling to stay awake at night.  And, yes, if you know her love language, speak it loud and clear.  She is definitely having trouble hearing you right now. 

Steady Eddie, instead of wondering what is making her feel so insecure; ask what it would take for her to feel more comfortable when you are interacting with other women.  Let her determine the “rules” for your interactions with women.  She may be seeing some things that you are innocent about when she is around these ladies.  Whether founded or not, it’s always a wise thing to not dismiss the insecurities of your wife.  You may be doing everything right, but it isn’t in a way that she can see it or you wouldn’t be having this issue.  My guess is that you may also be having some communication problems.  I would urge you to get some professional counseling to help navigate your way through this shaky time. 

Finally, I want to caution you that no one is above temptation.  Your wife might be ultra sensitive, but she’s right in telling you that there’s always an opportunity for a fall.  Satan loves to surprise us by turning our strength into a weakness through sin.  Remember, Peter?  It only took hours for him to go from Jesus’ greatest defender to acting as if he didn’t know him.  Take heed of her warnings.  Guard your heart and always look for that way of escape from temptation (I Corinthians 10:13).  Your wife’s apprehensions may actually be providing you with an escape that you never knew you needed. 

You’re a good guy, Steady Eddie.  It’s obvious you love your wife and kids.  It’s time to do whatever it takes to stabilize your marriage.  Make this your priority right now.  You will never do any greater ministry than the one you do for your family. 

Love,

DW

I Lost My Mentor

Dear DW,

 I am heartbroken.  I have moved to a new church and I have lost my mentor.  When we entered ministry seven years ago, the pastor’s wife at our church took me under her wing and helped me assimilate into the ministry lifestyle.  All of the pastor’s wives at our church were really close.  In our new church, the pastor’s wife has barely spoken to me.  I don’t understand why she is not reaching out to me as the new person.  I am really lonely and I desperately miss my mentor.  I guess I’m just looking for some encouragement.

Friend-less in Friendswood

 

Dear Friend-less in Friendswood,

It sounds like you had the joy of being in a very unique situation in your last church.  I wish that all spouses had a warm and welcoming ministry spouse to assimilate them into ministry.  The reality is that most churches are more like the one you are in now.  (Sorry to break the bad news!)

 My greatest encouragement to you is that you don’t let the legacy that your mentor gave you go to waste by waiting for someone to reach out to you.  Even though you are the new person on the block, be the one to make the first move.  You obviously know more about being inclusive and hospitable than the other spouses at your church.  Set the example.  Be the change you want to see in others.

I have this vision of Pedro talking to Napoleon Dynamite about how he is going to ask the most popular girl at school to a dance.  “I’ll build her a cake or something…”  Of course, you think that there is no way that this tactic is going to work and… it doesn’t.  But, it’s obvious that somewhere in Summer’s heart, she has found a soft place for Pedro.  Reaching out to other ministry spouses may be something like that scene from Napoleon Dynamite.  It will be awkward and uncomfortable.  You might feel like a dork.  You may not get the response you want.   But if you keep baking enough cakes, eventually, someone is going to respond.  (Deb went to the dance with Pedro!) 

 A lot of spouses are lonely in ministry.  We need more Pedro’s who have the courage to reach out to others even though they are the new kid.  Pedro affected a lot of change at his school in his own gawky way.  You can too.

 Love,
DW~

Longing Not to be Noticed

Dear DW- 

Can you talk about how to handle questions from people at church?  It seems like as soon as I walk into the door of the worship center, I get pummeled with a thousand questions about my spouse’s ministry.  “What time does this start?” “Who’s teaching today?”  “Do you know what’s going on with so and so?”  “Let me tell you all my personal information and have you pass it on to your pastor spouse…”  I feel uncomfortable answering questions that I don’t really know the answer to and the list of “memos” that people want me to pass on to my spouse is never ending- I know I’m going to forget something.  And, my pet peeve: I hate taking money from people who forgot to put it into the offering plate or who want to “make a payment” for this or that.  Please talk about how to handle these situations.  Besides making myself invisible, I don’t know what to do. 

Thanks,

Longing Not to be Noticed

 

Dear Longing Not to be Noticed, 

Thank you for bringing up this issue.  I believe that it is common for ministry spouses to be seen as an extension of the pastor.   People find it convenient to approach the spouse with their question or issue because the spouse doesn’t have a line forming around them on Sunday morning and the pastor does!  I can’t make you invisible, but I do have some thoughts to share that might help make Sunday less secretarial for you.

1. 1.    The Less You Know, The Less They Ask– If you appear to be a good resource for answering questions, you will become their “go-to” person.  You have a choice to make- become an expert on the church bulletin and schedule so that you can answer every question or play dumb.  Shhhh…don’t tell everyone, but sometimes I know the answer to their question but I say “I’m not sure” because I want them to look it up for themselves.  You can do that too.  Unless you want to become the mobile Church Information Booth, I’d recommend it.  Teach them where to find the information so that when you are not around, they can find it for themselves.
2. 2.    Never Take Church Money from People – This is a danger zone.  When you are handed a camp payment or someone’s tithe on a busy Sunday morning, it is so easy for that money to get misplaced or forgotten.  I tell people that I don’t feel comfortable taking their money and point them towards the nearest deacon, elder, pastor, sound guy, whoever, but I won’t take the money.  I’m not trying to be unhelpful, but I am trying to show them that I am not the right person to take their Church money.
3. 3.    Filter Information Given to You for Your Spouse – If Miss Martha wants my husband to know that someone left dirty dishes in the fellowship hall sink, I say, “I’ll try to remember, but I’m not sure if I will so it’s best if you call the office.”  But if someone tells me that they found drugs in their son’s room last night, I take the memo.  I still ask them to call my husband but that information is noted by me.  Only the most critical of information will ever get passed on in my household.  If Miss Martha asks me next Sunday if I told my husband about the dishes, I let her know that I forgot (which I probably did).  Enough forgetting and I am no longer deemed a reliable information highway. J

I don’t lie to people but I also don’t make it easy for them to use me as their go between to the pastor.  That is ok.  Your worship time is valuable.  Don’t waste it being your husband’s secretary.  The church pays people to do that. 

 Love,

DW

IT Insult!

Dear DW,

 My husband handles all the technical aspects of our church ministries.  He was hired with the title Minister of Media.  The problem is that he spends a lot of his time just fixing the computers in the church office.  What happened to the “minister” part of his title?  I don’t think that the staff sees him as a REAL pastor.  He recruits and ministers to a large team of volunteers who run the all the tech in our services.  He leads those volunteers in Bible Study and pastors their families.  He has a religious undergraduate degree and he is a licensed minister.  Why do they treat him like the IT guy?  My husband tells me to blow it off and not worry about it.  He’s a lot less concerned about this than I am, but I’m irritated.  How do I get past this attitude?

 Insulted in Indiana

 

Dear Insulted, 

This may be one of those things about ministry life that you are going to have to just let go of in order to find some peace.  It is definitely our first reaction to defend our spouse when we see an injustice taking place.  Especially when we think they deserve so much more respect than they are receiving at church.  Changing your attitude starts with:

• Recognizing that while man sees the outward appearance, God sees the heart (I Samuel  16:7)
• Realizing that no matter what happens with the staff or congregation, we do our work as unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23-24)
• Start claiming God’s promise that what is sacrificed to Him in secret will be rewarded (Matthew 6:4-6)   

 And don’t diminish what your attitude can do for your spouse.  It may be that the reason your husband can accept his relegated role so easily is because you see him as so much more.  Sometimes it only takes one person, the most important person in our lives, recognizing the work we are doing to give us the strength to push through when ministry is difficult.  Balance your admiration of your husband with the viewpoint that the only person you are really trying to please is God and I think your attitude will swiftly find adjustment.

Love~

DW