Embarassed and Ashamed

Dear DW,

My husband left a career in the secular world for a call to ministry.  We have never been happier but we also have never been so poor.  There are people in our church who know how much we are struggling financially and they occasionally slip money under my husband’s office door or send me a gift card in the mail.  I feel so embarrassed that we are being given benevolence money.  We are supposed to be the ones giving.   I’m not sure how to shake this feeling of shame.

Embarassed

 

Dear Embarrassed,

I hear you.  I lost all my pride years ago!  I felt exactly like you and I swallowed a big helping of guilt along with it.  I’ve cried, I’ve asked people not to give, I’ve avoided looking at people who I knew had left groceries on our doorstep.  I’ve tried to figure out how to get an extra job to pay people back for what they have done for us.  I’ve told myself a million times that this surely cannot be the way that God wants to provide for us. 

But then, I think about my Savior and how the Bible says that He never had a place to lay his head (Matthew 8:20).  I remember that He sent His disciples out with nothing and told them that a worker is worthy of his support (Matthew 10:8-10) and I meditate on the verses encouraging me not to worry about food and shelter (Matthew 6:25-34). And I realize that God’s got this.  He doesn’t HAVE to use the people in the church to take care of us.  He chooses to use them.

I learned that lesson one year through an envelope taped to my front door.  Every week, it was there, filled with cash of odd amounts.  $38.53, $52.21, $78.97 – I couldn’t figure out the pattern or the significance, but I was so thankful that it kept appearing because we had a new baby and we were desperately poor.  One evening, the parents of a teenager in our youth group showed up at our house.  I had no idea why they were there until I saw the envelope in their hand.  They explained to us that they had been watching our lives and had been moved by our frugality and budgeting.  They said that they were convinced that God had told them to begin saving 10% of anything they made to give to us.  On every payday, they were giving us the cash that they believed God had designated for us.  They had decided to out themselves because this week’s cash was such a large amount that they didn’t want to leave it on the door.  They said that they were both making more money than they had ever made in their lives and were so thankful to us for our witness and the privilege of being able to give to us.  

My perceived humiliation was their spiritual victory.

I’ve learned to get over my embarrassment for ministry’s sake.  I would encourage you to do the same.  By allowing people to give to you, you are giving to them.  Your sacrifices are their discipleship.  And, there’s no shame in that. 

Love,

DW~

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Locked Up Tight

Dear DW,

I had an interesting talk with the Senior Pastor’s wife at my church the other day.  She told me that she NEVER opens her home up to people because she wants to keep it as the one place in her family’s life where they have peace.  I hadn’t thought about it before our conversation, but she doesn’t have parties or people over to her house at all.  Our socializing is at coffee shops and restaurants.  Do you think a pastor’s house should be open or closed?

Locked Up Tight in Louisiana

Dear Locked Up Tight,

I think there is value in both trains of thought on this topic.  On the one hand, I understand the need to have one “safe” place in your family’s life where you can hide away from the pressures and eyeballs of those who keep us in a constant ministry spotlight.  On the other hand, when we keep our lives behind closed doors, we deprive a desperate world of the opportunity to know how a godly family can thrive in stress and struggle.

Personally, I lean towards a more relational style in my household.  It’s in our family’s DNA to be open with all of who we are including keeping our door open to every stray person that wants to stop by and talk.  We like it that way and are willing to sacrifice routine and peace to accept people into our home, however, this style of ministry can easily get out of control.  When I start to see my kids wincing as I throw an extra roast in my grocery cart, I know that we are in the red zone on the open door policy. 

On the other hand, your pastor’s wife is wise to protect her home and declare it a place of peace.  Boundaries are good.  In ministry, we have a tendency to forget that it is ok to take a Sabbath and limit access to ourselves.  Jesus disappeared frequently to be by himself.  He didn’t keep himself in the middle of the crowds at all times and neither should we.  There’s balance in making sure that your family has a place of solitude. 

There’s no denying that it’s biblical for pastor’s spouses to be hospitable.  I Timothy 3 and Titus 1 make hospitality a ministry requirement for pastors.  The New Testament is wrought with scripture encouraging Christians to be welcoming in their homes.  How and when you exercise that hospitality needs to be a family discussion.  A parade of people in and out of your home may not be for you.  Either way, it’s important to define how your home will run or others will define it for you.

I’ll leave you with this thought: Never underestimate the rejuvenating power of sitting around in your underwear all day.

Love,

DW~

Hermit the Wife

Dear DW,

I’m finding it difficult to trust people.  In our first church, I had a really good friend who was one of the deacon’s wives.  We got along great until I found out that she had shared something with her husband that I had told her in confidence and it came up at a deacon’s meeting.  Every since then, I have avoided friendships at church.  I am struggling because I know that avoiding people is not the best way to minister to them!  How do you become friends while maintaining your distance?  Is that even possible?

Sincerely,

Hermit the Wife

 

Dear Hermit the Wife,

Yes, it is possible.  It’s time to come out of the shadows and start to mingle with the masses!  Now, I’m not going to pretend that this issue is all sunshine and roses.  Sometimes I want to retreat and find a hole to hide in as well.  You have asked a difficult question that requires some trial and error and finesse to work out in your own context.  But, thankfully, you have already started the process with your first betrayal.  (Didn’t know you could be thankful for that did you? 🙂 ) 

Your betrayal has taught you some things about yourself, about your trust level, and about how congregants respond when they hear a confidence that they think is too big to keep secret.  But just like you are discovering, I don’t believe this means that we as ministry spouses have to keep our heads down, our mouths shut, and practice our most trivial of niceties to get us through social events at church.  It’s a matter of figuring out the balance of how much is too much within each friendship you make. 

Through my own betrayals and missteps, I’ve learned to ask myself two questions when I am in a relationship with someone from church and I’m considering how open I can be with them:

1)    If I tell this to them and it gets out, will it damage the church in any way? 

2)    If I tell this to them, will it change their perception of the church and/or affect their worship experience? 

The answer to these questions dictates what is appropriate for me to share with that person.  They allow me to have a depth of relationship while still protecting the church, protecting the person, and protecting me.  Your friend from church might be the best listener when it comes to blowing off steam about your frustration with your mother, but you may not want to share with her the latest incident with the lady in the choir who complained about the dress you wore last Sunday.  You can have a deep, loving, trustful relationship that limits the topics to what is appropriate for that person at that time. 

So Hermit, I hope you take a chance on trusting church people again.  I don’t want you to miss out on the fellowship that God intends for us to have in the body of Christ.  And, fellowship includes Pastor’s wives too!

Love,

DW~

Julie Justification

Dear DW,

I think I have a disease.  Every time I buy something, I feel the need to make sure everyone knows that I got it on sale or that I used money I had saved up for a long time.  Just this week, someone in our Bible Study group noticed the new flat screen TV in our living room and my first reaction was to make sure she knew that it was a gift from my in-laws.  The disease part of this is that I’m not telling people these things because I think I got a good deal or because I want people to know what great in-laws I have, it’s because I don’t want them to think that we are wasting “God’s Money” on frivolous things.  I feel like I’m being judged when I show up to church with a new dress.  I feel anxiety when I get my hair done.  It made me nervous when I bought my son an iPod for his birthday because I just knew someone was going to see it and wonder how we could afford it.  We don’t make much money serving in the church and there are people who know that we struggle financially.  I don’t know how to stop feeling the need to explain every penny we spend.  Please help!

Julie Justification

 

Dear Julie Justification,

You are right.  You do have a disease.  Actually, it’s more like a virus.  I’ve caught it off and on throughout our ministry.  It’s called the I-am-focused-more-on-what-church-people-think-about-me-than-on-what-God-thinks-about-me virus.  The symptoms start out subtle like not showing off the new ring your husband bought you because someone might think he spent too much money.  It progresses into feelings of guilt or dread when you buy or do something that might elicit a comment from someone at church.  And, if left untreated, the virus morphs into full-blown “plasticity” where you either hide the real you from church people or you make decisions and behavior changes based on what people at church might say or think about you.  This virus will make you really sick- sick of church, sick of people, sick of ministry, and sick of your spouse’s calling.  The last stage of the virus can cause complications of bitterness which, everyone who reads this blog knows always leads to wrinkles! 

The only way to combat this virus to focus on the opinion that matters most in your life.  Are you wasting “God’s Money”?  Can you stand before Him without guilt?  Are you living a life pleasing to Him?  Then it doesn’t matter what other’s might think or say.  It’s exhausting trying to guess who you should be to make everyone in the church happy with you.  So don’t do it.  Stop justifying your purchases and actions.  I have a feeling that you are more conscious of what is being spent at your house than anyone in your congregation.  And even if you are not, God is the only one who can change the heart of someone who is so ridiculously judgmental.  Your qualifying statements won’t change a thing. 

You know, it’s ALL “God’s money”.  When is the last time someone at church called you up to justify the new boat they bought or reported to you that they just got another credit card so they could go on a vacation they can’t afford?  So stop stressing.  Enjoy your gifts.  Focus on what matters and avoid those wrinkles!

Love,

DW~

Newbie wants to Know

Dear DW,

I am very new to ministry.  It’s only been about 4 months since my spouse joined the church staff.  We are very excited to be here!  But, I have to admit that I am already feeling some differences between what it was like to be a regular church member and what it is like to be married to a staff member.  What is your best advice for a new ministry spouse?

                                                                                                    Newbie wants to Know

 Dear Newbie,

Hmmmm…my best advice: Don’t panic, hold on tight, and enjoy the ride!

Don’t panic–

            Ministry is difficult.  Even the best churches have their share of behind the scenes disunity, politics, and posturing.  When you read books like Corinthians, Ephesians, and Galatians, you realize that none of these issues are new.  The church is made up of people and people are inherently flawed.  What you will see and experience has happened to the saints before you.  You are not alone in your struggle no matter what happens. 

Hold on tight–

            It’s important to nurture relationships.  Avoid isolation like the plague.  Your ministry, sanity, and marriage depend on it.  It’s easy to draw inward when difficulties come your way, but the best medicine for combating isolation is to reach out to others.  Some ways to hold on tight:                                                                                                                            

• Immerse yourself in the Bible. Find a Bible study group to join in addition to your personal Bible study.                              
• Ask your best/lifelong friends to pray for you and then, stay in touch.                                                                                                     –
• Reach out to new friends at church and try your best to befriend the staff and spouses.  Be the inviter, don’t wait for an invitation.                                                                                                                                                                                                                              
• Find mentors (they don’t have to know they are your mentor) and learn from their experience.  Your mentors should be people who have character traits you want to emulate.  It’s not a requirement for them to be in ministry.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
• Engage with those who can relate to your experience as a ministry spouse through conferences and denominational events.  Seek out pastoral staff/spouses from other churches in your community and search for online support groups.

Enjoy the ride–

No matter where this adventure takes you, know that there is always a reward.  Nothing that God ordains is futility.  We are sometimes privileged to see the results of our sacrifice, but other times we are not.  Many Bible verses point to this truth, but one that I have been meditating on lately is Hebrews 10:35-36, “So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord.  Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.” (NLV)  It’s a joy to be chosen to participate in God’s plan for His church.  Don’t let hardships blind you to the joy of the journey.

Hope this helps as you continue to follow God in excitement with your spouse!

Love,

DW~

WHEN IS IT MY TURN!

Dear DW,

I’ve never said this out loud because it sounds so selfish, but I really want to know.  WHEN IS IT MY TURN!  The entire time we’ve been married, I have been submissively standing by my husband’s side while he pursued ministry.  I’ve been a great pastor’s wife.  I’ve been at every church service. I’ve volunteered for a zillion ministries.  I’ve stood by him and consoled him in every joyful and painful situation we have ever faced.  I have endured years of sacrifice while he pursued his seminary degree and now his doctorate.   But when is it my turn? 

Pouting in Peoria

 

Dear Pouting in Peoria,

Thank you for having the courage to admit this out loud!  I think that a lot of pastor’s wives silently wonder if the only purpose they have in their lives is to stand by their husband’s side and support him while he pursues all of his ministry dreams.  They throw off any dreams they may have had before they got married because ministry seemed so much more noble and godly than anything they had planned for themselves.  After all, ministry has eternal value.  “God’s work” wins out every time when you think about that journalism career you wanted or your dream of being a nurse.  And this thought is perpetuated by the voices in your head that accuse you of selfishness and neglect for even daring to think you could pursue being more than “just a” pastor’s wife.  Sometimes those voices come to life in our congregants and maybe even in our husbands.  I once had a pastor tell me that his wife’s purpose was to stay home and raise their children so that he could do ministry.  How small we make God when we limit ALL that He can purpose for His creation.

Pouting in Peoria, NOW is YOUR turn.  If you think that God may be prompting you to be more than what you define as your role as a pastor’s wife, you need to tell your husband.  Give him the opportunity to be a part of what God is doing in your life.  Most godly husbands want to encourage and please their wives.  Open the discussion door and see what happens.  Our spouse often sees more in us than we see in ourselves.  And don’t negate what God may have planned for your future by making the assumption that it won’t work in the context of your ministry lifestyle.  God is very creative and He can do so much more than we could ever ask or think.

I can’t close without pointing out the tinge of resentment I sensed in your letter.  Guard your heart from bitterness.  God does ask us to sacrifice but He only wants it if it is presented with wholeheartedness and joy.  Be careful not to lay the whole responsibility of the loss of your dream solely at your husband’s feet.  It’s not selfish to want your turn unless it comes at the cost of rejecting all that you have pursued together up to this point.

Love,

DW~

Really, I’m Not a Nag!

Dear DW,

I am a very supportive ministry spouse but recently I am starting to feel a little taken for granted. It seems like at least once a week my spouse springs another “activity” on me- usually one that I’m solely in charge of or one that requires me to drop everything and clean the house before people come over! Do you have any advice to help my spouse understand how I feel without sounding like I’m complaining?

NotANag in Neosho

*Pastor, if you are reading this, stop, pick up the phone, open an email, or immediately find your spouse and tell them how much they mean to you and to the ministry you do! Have you done it, yet? I meant it…I’m waiting…

Dear NotANag,

I talk with so many ministry spouses who feel just like you described; supportive towards ministry but overlooked when it comes to courtesy and appreciation. Unlike our pastor spouse, we don’t get paid to do this job but like many pastoral job descriptions say, we are expected to “perform all additional duties as assigned by the pastor”!

You are right. It doesn’t make you a nag to speak up or ask for a break from hospitality duties occasionally. It does not make you a nag to want to step aside from being your spouse’s #1 volunteer. It does not make you a complainer to want to be thanked for what you do. But I hear in your letter some doubts or maybe some accusation that you complain too much about ministry activities. Either way, this is something that you and your spouse have got to talk about. Avoiding the “Nag Tag” will be easier if you set apart a quiet, private moment to really talk about how you are feeling. No sideways comments while you are working in the church cafe for the 4th Sunday in a row because no one showed up or sighing as you are handed the preschool curriculum 5 minutes before class starts. Schedule time to seriously discuss how you feel. And, yes, I do mean schedule. It’s obvious that you are both very busy people.

Just like any other church member, you should be serving in the places of your giftedness and God’s leading. Of course, there will be moments of taking on extra for the sake of your spouse, but it’s unfair to you and to your spouse’s ministry for you to always be the one taking up the slack. And that’s not nagging!

Love,
DW~

Where’s Daddy?

Dear DW, 

I have three children under the age of six.  My husband is a youth pastor at a relatively large church.  As I’m sure you can imagine, there are a lot of demands on his time.  Our children are now getting old enough that they are noticing how often their Dad is gone.  How do I explain to them why Daddy is frequently not with us without making them resent the church?

 Sincerely,  

Patty and the Preschoolers

 

Dear Patty and the Preschoolers, 

You have asked an excellent question and have tapped into fears that I have carried with me since the day I said “I do” to my husband.  We have all heard the urban legends of PK’s gone wild because they resented the time their parents spent at church.  I’m still working this one out myself, but I’ll tell you a few things that I keep as driving principles when explaining ministry sacrifice to my children: 

1.    Your children will reflect back what you project to them.  Those little faces have a way of being the perfect mirror of everything we say and do.  If we as spouses are resentful of the time Dad spends at church, our children will be too.  Ask these questions of yourself:  Do you see time spent at church as valuable, worthy, and meaningful to God’s kingdom work?  Is it for an eternal purpose?  Is it worthy of sacrifice?  If you can say “yes” to these questions, you should have no problem explaining why Dad is not home.  He’s a HERO helping a desperate world know Jesus!  But if you are having trouble seeing how the annual Whipped Cream Fight has significance in God’s work, you have some talking to do with your husband before you can explain anything to your children. (see post 8/29/11, Alone Again)

2.    We are all called to ministry.  Whether we are at the church with Dad or not, we are a part of what Dad is doing.  One of the ways that we serve and worship Jesus is by giving up some of the time that we could spend with Dad so that he can minister to other people.  Include them in the work of Dad’s ministry in age appropriate ways so that they understand that they are a part of what Dad is doing.  Whether that is drawing pictures for a teenager in the hospital, helping clean up after an event, or praying while Dad is in a counseling appointment, they need to see that they contribute to the ministry as well.

3.    Never take their sacrifice for granted.  Now that your children are becoming aware of their own sacrifice for ministry, it’s definitely time for them to experience the same appreciation that any ministry volunteer might expect.  Frequently tell them “Thank you” for their patience with Dad’s absence.  Have Dad (and the student ministry) write them notes of encouragement and appreciation when he’s gone.  And never underestimate the power of a “treat” when Daddy finally comes home.  Let them know that without their sacrifice and support, Dad could never serve Jesus in the way that he does. 

Finally, I want to caution you that there’s a warning signal in the words, “Where’s Daddy?”  Just like those little birds that miners used to take down into the mines with them as an alert to when the air was getting dangerous, out of the mouths of babes comes the reality that our home life is getting out of balance.   Heed their warning signals as if your family was running out of air.

I hope this gives you a good start Patty. 

Love~

DW

 

Please feel free to give Patty and the Preschoolers additional advice in the “comments” section below!

First Interview

Dear DW, 

Any advice for a newbie going on their first interview?  I don’t know what to expect and, truthfully, I don’t understand why I am going on the interview as the spouse.  I get the point of traveling to see the area we might live in and meeting the people from the church but I’m a bit confused as to the reason I need to be in the interview meeting. 

Nervous in North Carolina

 

Dear Nervous, 

Congratulations and look out below…you are entering the adventure zone!   Yes, most churches want to meet the spouse of their ministerial candidate because they understand that the spouse can affect every aspect of the ministry that happens at their church.  They also want you to see if you can live in their community and if you will fit in with their people.  But as you climb into the interview car, I do have two pieces of advice for you: Step carefully and enjoy the ride.   

Step carefully– Be cautious of how much you interject into the conversation.  This church is interviewing your spouse, not you.  Your role should be fly-on-the-wall.  Observe everyone and take in all that your spouse will be missing as they go through the inquisition.  Be your spouse’s sixth sense.   

Also, beware of the “twofer”.  (That’s two-for-one if you don’t speak country.)  If you start hearing questions like, “Do you play an instrument?” and “Do you have any interest in ______ ministry?” you know that they have already started shopping in the BOGO section.  Make a plan with your spouse as to how this will be handled if it comes up in the interview. 

Enjoy the ride– Consider the interview as the dating portion of your relationship with this church.  You are both trying to figure out if this will be a good match.  Most churches are kind and generous when interviewing prospective pastors.  This is your opportunity to learn about them and be treated in ways that you might not experience once you are hired.  Enjoy the dinners, town tours, and gracious introductions while you are still infatuated with each other. 

Approach this interview like God has a purpose in it even if you do not end up finding your perfect match.  Pray that you and your spouse will be a blessing to these people even if it’s not the place for you.  Will something you say or do help them as they search for the right pastor?  There’s no guilt in saying “no” if you approach every interview as an opportunity for ministry…even if it’s only a one-meeting relationship.

 So don’t be Nervous.  Have fun on your first step toward the adventure zone!  Churches don’t usually bite in the interview process.  (That comes later.)  🙂

Love,

DW

 

My Wife and the Green Monster

Dear DW, 

I am a youth pastor, married to my amazing wife for 10 years now (just celebrated it!) and have 2 amazing kids.   

Over the years we have been married, there have been times that my wife has been jealous of the women I work with in the churches where I have served.  Recently, she is more apprehensive than ever about the women I communicate with at church, whether it is a high school girl, a mom, or the reason I am writing today, an intern.   

I am proud to announce that I have never been unfaithful, physically or mentally, with any woman.  I don’t know what motivates her jealously.  I do know that over the years I have had an issue with being on my phone too often at home or falling asleep early during our time together in the evenings.  I also know I need to speak her love language more clearly.   

I know that she believes me when I tell her that I have stayed faithful, but she still doubts that I will remain that way because I may be tempted in the future by a woman.  Luckily, that has never been a struggle for me.  I know my wife comes first and I will never betray that.

 So what do I do?  Any help would be great. 

Thanks, 

Steady Eddie

 

 

Dear Steady Eddie, 

Each time I read your letter, whistles and sirens go off in my head that won’t stop screaming “WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!”  I feel nervous just writing back to you because I see your family walking through some danger zones that could be ministry-enders, maybe even marriage-enders, if not addressed very soon.   

I can see that you have done some serious soul searching in trying to figure out why your wife might feel jealous.  A good starting place for you would be to aggressively address the issues that you already know are a problem in your marriage.  Make a concerted effort to turn off the phone when you are at home.  Set some solid boundaries between family time and ministry time.  Organize your ministry schedule so that your wife gets you when you are most alert and fresh, not when you are struggling to stay awake at night.  And, yes, if you know her love language, speak it loud and clear.  She is definitely having trouble hearing you right now. 

Steady Eddie, instead of wondering what is making her feel so insecure; ask what it would take for her to feel more comfortable when you are interacting with other women.  Let her determine the “rules” for your interactions with women.  She may be seeing some things that you are innocent about when she is around these ladies.  Whether founded or not, it’s always a wise thing to not dismiss the insecurities of your wife.  You may be doing everything right, but it isn’t in a way that she can see it or you wouldn’t be having this issue.  My guess is that you may also be having some communication problems.  I would urge you to get some professional counseling to help navigate your way through this shaky time. 

Finally, I want to caution you that no one is above temptation.  Your wife might be ultra sensitive, but she’s right in telling you that there’s always an opportunity for a fall.  Satan loves to surprise us by turning our strength into a weakness through sin.  Remember, Peter?  It only took hours for him to go from Jesus’ greatest defender to acting as if he didn’t know him.  Take heed of her warnings.  Guard your heart and always look for that way of escape from temptation (I Corinthians 10:13).  Your wife’s apprehensions may actually be providing you with an escape that you never knew you needed. 

You’re a good guy, Steady Eddie.  It’s obvious you love your wife and kids.  It’s time to do whatever it takes to stabilize your marriage.  Make this your priority right now.  You will never do any greater ministry than the one you do for your family. 

Love,

DW