These Slapped Hands Sting!
Last week, the pastor asked my husband and me to meet with him in his office. He started by telling us that there are a few people who are unhappy with the youth ministry and he named some areas that he feels need improvement. He told us that we need to be more consistent or my husband may be facing a formal reprimand from the personnel committee. My question is this: What do I have to do with this meeting? The church doesn’t pay me as an employee. I felt like I was a little kid being called in to the principal’s office! I was so stunned by the whole experience. I didn’t know what to say at the time, but the more I think about it the more offended and hurt I am. I’m not sure what to do at this point. Do you have any advice?
Dear Slapped Hands,
Girl, you know I have advice!
#1) I agree. What do you have to do with this meeting?! Why were you called in to it if you are not employed by the church?
Sounds to me like someone has some boundary issues. Either the pastor has made an assumption that he is getting “2 for the price of 1” or the lines have been blurred as to who is in charge of the youth ministry. In either case, these boundaries need to be clearly defined for you and for your pastor. You and your husband should honestly evaluate how big of a role you are taking in the youth ministry leadership. Have you been taking on responsibilities that go beyond being a volunteer in the youth ministry? Are you doing things for your husband that is really a part of his job? Is there any way that you have projected an image that you are sharing job responsibilities or did the pastor overstep by calling you in to his office?
#2) Where is your husband in all of this?
It’s up to him to protect you from these kinds of confrontations. If he didn’t do it during the meeting, he absolutely should now go to the pastor and make it very clear that you do not work for the church. It doesn’t matter how the boundaries have been blurred or not blurred, there is no circumstance where a spouse should be evaluated, criticized, or chastised by the church leadership for the pastor’s job performance.
#3) Be cautious how you proceed now and in future churches.
It seems like things are getting sticky in your current church. Since your husband’s ministry is being called into question, you may want to take a few steps back until things cool down so that you don’t get caught in the crossfire. In the future, you and your husband will want to make it clear to potential churches that you are a volunteer, not a part of a package deal. This doesn’t mean that you can’t be an integral part of what is happening in the youth ministry, but it does give you and your husband the freedom to remind pastors and parishioners that your service to the church is volunteer and should be treated as such.
Now some salve for that sting…I’m so sorry that you have been hurt. I promise, the sting only lasts for a little while and then the redness will start to fade away. Praying this hurt heals quickly.
Posted on February 7, 2012, in Identity, Staff Dynamics and tagged Church, Help!, Husband, identity, Marriage, Ministry, Pastor, perception, role, Spouse, Wife, Youth. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.