“Bizarre-o World”

Dear DW,

What is happening to me?!  I feel like I just walked into bizarre-o world!  Several weeks ago, the pastor called us up to the front of the church and told everyone that we were in the process of becoming full-time missionaries.  Our close friends have known this but not many other people until recently.  Since it was announced, I can’t seem to set foot in the church building without people feeling compelled to give me their opinion!  Not just on becoming a missionary, but on everything- my kids, my spouse, my clothing!!  Up until a few weeks ago, I was just a church member, but this announcement seems to have put me into some alter-world category that makes people I have known for years feel the freedom to openly run with diarrhea of the mouth.  I never asked for or invited this kind of attention.  How do I make it STOP!? 

I’m not a pastor’s spouse!

 

Dear “not a Pastor’s spouse”,

 While your spouse may not be a pastor, you have unwittingly found the key and unlocked the door that leads to the Secret World of Pastor’s Spouses.  Unfortunately, it’s too late to retreat.  This “bizarre-o world” has begun to take over, but the good news is, you do have control in your new alter reality.  I’m sure that you have already recognized that some of these people lavishing you with unwarranted attention do have good motives.   They want to encourage you and, in some small way, be a part of what you are doing for the Lord.  In fact, I believe most people THINK that’s what they are doing when they feel compelled to give opinions.  But, being in the Secret World of Pastor’s Spouses is kind of like when a woman is pregnant.  Everyone, including strangers, feel compelled to tell her pregnancy stories (to help her out, of course!).  They also like to reach out and touch her in places that they never would touch if she wasn’t pregnant.  It’s uncomfortable.  Privacy and sometimes decency are encroached on in this world.  But it’s mostly harmless and with time you do get used to it.  In a few more weeks, you will be able to figure out who is safe, who you need to smile and nod at, who you need to avoid in the hallway, and who might become a new friend. 

There is no way to avoid this attention.  We can’t control other people’s actions or stupidity.  But you can filter the comments, judge actions rightly, and respond transparently.  When you feel like someone has crossed the line, it’s ok to tell them so.   

You may not have invited this kind of attention, but God may want to use your new platform for His Glory.  Don’t be so quick to slam the door and throw away the key because of the initial shock of what you have experienced.  Come in.  Look around.  There’s beauty in this secret world too.  I hope you discover it soon.

Love,

DW~

She Fed my Baby Soda

Dear DW,

 I’m having a problem with a woman in my church.  She really is a nice lady, but she has pushed me too far.  I have a five month old baby.  He’s my first child.  This lady must have a sixth sense because as soon as I come into the church building, there she is whisking away with my baby.   A few weeks ago, I thought I saw her feeding him ice cream.  Today, I walked around the corner and saw her letting him suck soda from a straw!!!  I am fuming mad!  She’s a sweet woman who has been somewhat of a mentor to me in the past.  I know she loves babies but recently she has just about frayed my last nerve.  I’m not sure what to do.  I’m finding myself hiding and doing everything I can to avoid her when I see her.  I don’t want to lose her friendship and, honestly, I don’t want to offend a church member.  What do I do?

 Frayed and Torn in Nevada

 

Dear Frayed and Torn- 

Since this is your first baby in ministry, I want to help you with your priorities:  Baby, #1, Church Lady #31.  You have permission to offend!  It’s ok to assert yourself where your kids are concerned.  It’s probably not going to be the last time so you might as well practice while your son is still a baby. 

 I am getting the feeling that the reason you haven’t already dealt with your angst is because this lady is not just anybody in the church.  It sounds like she has been someone special to you.  Even more important that you approach her about how you are feeling.  You don’t want to spend your time hiding in the bushes from someone you admire as a mentor.  Approach her about how you are feeling so that you can reconcile with her!  If you value her friendship, make sure that this does not become a rift between the two of you.  She may not even realize that she has crossed the boundary lines.  Might you offend a church member or friend… yes.  But your baby, your frayed nerves, and your friendship are worth the risk. 

 Avoidance is not going to make this better.  Face it head on, chin up, and ready to take a blow.  However, you may be surprised if that blow feels more like a soft apology and a hug from a friend.

 Love,

DW~                                                                                                             Matthew 5:22-24