Don’t Touch the Bump!

Dear DW,

I’m pregnant and I’m married to a minister.  I am very uncomfortable with all the attention that I am getting.  I don’t want people touching me.  It’s not ok.  But for some reason, EVERYONE wants to pat my belly and talk about my body!  What happened to decorum and privacy?  Did I lose that when my husband started receiving a paycheck from the church?

Help!

Barbara Baby Bump

 

Dear Barbara Baby Bump,

What I want to say to you is “Absolutely Not!  The church didn’t purchase your privacy when your husband accepted the position.”  It is true.  But if I am going to be completely honest with you, I have to say that ministry does require the loss of some privacy to be effective.  These people are doing life with you.  They are excited about the things that are happening in your life.  And they are looking to your family as an example of how to navigate their own lives. 

By virtue of your husband’s position, you have become somewhat of a “local celebrity”- whether you wanted to or not.  Your congregation will want to participate in what is happening with you.  And, because a twitter feed is probably not the best way to update them on your progress, they are going to be in your personal business!

However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t tell the “paparazzi” what their boundaries are.  You can control whether or not you are touched and politely ignore questions about what kind of delivery you are going to have.  It’s ok to tell them what makes you feel uncomfortable. 

But do expect for this behavior to continue.  People are excited and sometimes it’s difficult for them discern where your line is.  Since hiring bodyguards probably isn’t the best option, be patient with them.  Most of this behavior is sincerely out of concern and love for you and your family.

Love,

DW~

 

Embarassed and Ashamed

Dear DW,

My husband left a career in the secular world for a call to ministry.  We have never been happier but we also have never been so poor.  There are people in our church who know how much we are struggling financially and they occasionally slip money under my husband’s office door or send me a gift card in the mail.  I feel so embarrassed that we are being given benevolence money.  We are supposed to be the ones giving.   I’m not sure how to shake this feeling of shame.

Embarassed

 

Dear Embarrassed,

I hear you.  I lost all my pride years ago!  I felt exactly like you and I swallowed a big helping of guilt along with it.  I’ve cried, I’ve asked people not to give, I’ve avoided looking at people who I knew had left groceries on our doorstep.  I’ve tried to figure out how to get an extra job to pay people back for what they have done for us.  I’ve told myself a million times that this surely cannot be the way that God wants to provide for us. 

But then, I think about my Savior and how the Bible says that He never had a place to lay his head (Matthew 8:20).  I remember that He sent His disciples out with nothing and told them that a worker is worthy of his support (Matthew 10:8-10) and I meditate on the verses encouraging me not to worry about food and shelter (Matthew 6:25-34). And I realize that God’s got this.  He doesn’t HAVE to use the people in the church to take care of us.  He chooses to use them.

I learned that lesson one year through an envelope taped to my front door.  Every week, it was there, filled with cash of odd amounts.  $38.53, $52.21, $78.97 – I couldn’t figure out the pattern or the significance, but I was so thankful that it kept appearing because we had a new baby and we were desperately poor.  One evening, the parents of a teenager in our youth group showed up at our house.  I had no idea why they were there until I saw the envelope in their hand.  They explained to us that they had been watching our lives and had been moved by our frugality and budgeting.  They said that they were convinced that God had told them to begin saving 10% of anything they made to give to us.  On every payday, they were giving us the cash that they believed God had designated for us.  They had decided to out themselves because this week’s cash was such a large amount that they didn’t want to leave it on the door.  They said that they were both making more money than they had ever made in their lives and were so thankful to us for our witness and the privilege of being able to give to us.  

My perceived humiliation was their spiritual victory.

I’ve learned to get over my embarrassment for ministry’s sake.  I would encourage you to do the same.  By allowing people to give to you, you are giving to them.  Your sacrifices are their discipleship.  And, there’s no shame in that. 

Love,

DW~

I Know Some Things…Bad Things

Dear DW,

My children see church as their domain.  As soon as we get into the building, they pull away and run off.  Sometimes I’m not even exactly sure where they are in the church.  My dilemma is that I know some things about people in our congregation that make me apprehensive to have my children around them.  How do I protect my kids from potential predators at church without scaring them to death or breaking the confidences that I know about people? 

Too Paranoid?

 

Dear Too Paranoid,

The check in your spirit is there for a reason.  NEVER ignore it.  As Christians we too often explain off the uncomfortable feelings we have when we meet someone who seems creepy because we so desperately want to share the love of Jesus with them.   After all, Creeps need salvation too!  But Jesus himself warns us that we have been sent out as sheep among wolves.   He tells us to “be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves”.  (Matthew 10:16)  

You have to protect your children.   I’ve never broken a confidence about a church member, but I have told my kids that I don’t want them to be around particular people without me present.  They were also taught early on that not everyone at church is a safe person.  The approach I use in our family conversations is this:

1. This is a “Ministry Conversation”.  Meaning- “Don’t tell everyone, this is confidential information!!” 
2. I tell them that I don’t want them to be alone with ______.
3. When they ask me “why not”, I tell them that they need to trust Mom and Dad because it’s our job to keep them safe.
4. When they ask, “Is _____ not safe?”  My answer is always the same.  “I don’t know.  He/She seems like a nice person, but you know that all people in the church are people with flaws.  If we didn’t have sin, we wouldn’t need Jesus.  And, we want all kinds of people with all kinds of backgrounds to be at our church.   But you know, just because a person comes to church doesn’t mean that Jesus has transformed them yet.  I don’t know where _____ is in that process and I want you to stay by me.”

It’s important to make it clear to your children that stranger danger applies to the church as well.  I give my children permission to run, scream, fight, bite, or whatever it takes to get away whether it’s in the church building or not.  They need to know that the church building is not some magical land that suddenly becomes safe when they enter the doors.

We live in a fallen world and it is ok for you to do all that you can to protect your children.  I unfortunately have known several people who had children molested at church by people who seemed very nice.  Their cautions have driven the approach I have taken with my kids.  Maybe I’m too paranoid as well… I can live with that.

Love,

DW~

Locked Up Tight

Dear DW,

I had an interesting talk with the Senior Pastor’s wife at my church the other day.  She told me that she NEVER opens her home up to people because she wants to keep it as the one place in her family’s life where they have peace.  I hadn’t thought about it before our conversation, but she doesn’t have parties or people over to her house at all.  Our socializing is at coffee shops and restaurants.  Do you think a pastor’s house should be open or closed?

Locked Up Tight in Louisiana

Dear Locked Up Tight,

I think there is value in both trains of thought on this topic.  On the one hand, I understand the need to have one “safe” place in your family’s life where you can hide away from the pressures and eyeballs of those who keep us in a constant ministry spotlight.  On the other hand, when we keep our lives behind closed doors, we deprive a desperate world of the opportunity to know how a godly family can thrive in stress and struggle.

Personally, I lean towards a more relational style in my household.  It’s in our family’s DNA to be open with all of who we are including keeping our door open to every stray person that wants to stop by and talk.  We like it that way and are willing to sacrifice routine and peace to accept people into our home, however, this style of ministry can easily get out of control.  When I start to see my kids wincing as I throw an extra roast in my grocery cart, I know that we are in the red zone on the open door policy. 

On the other hand, your pastor’s wife is wise to protect her home and declare it a place of peace.  Boundaries are good.  In ministry, we have a tendency to forget that it is ok to take a Sabbath and limit access to ourselves.  Jesus disappeared frequently to be by himself.  He didn’t keep himself in the middle of the crowds at all times and neither should we.  There’s balance in making sure that your family has a place of solitude. 

There’s no denying that it’s biblical for pastor’s spouses to be hospitable.  I Timothy 3 and Titus 1 make hospitality a ministry requirement for pastors.  The New Testament is wrought with scripture encouraging Christians to be welcoming in their homes.  How and when you exercise that hospitality needs to be a family discussion.  A parade of people in and out of your home may not be for you.  Either way, it’s important to define how your home will run or others will define it for you.

I’ll leave you with this thought: Never underestimate the rejuvenating power of sitting around in your underwear all day.

Love,

DW~

Hermit the Wife

Dear DW,

I’m finding it difficult to trust people.  In our first church, I had a really good friend who was one of the deacon’s wives.  We got along great until I found out that she had shared something with her husband that I had told her in confidence and it came up at a deacon’s meeting.  Every since then, I have avoided friendships at church.  I am struggling because I know that avoiding people is not the best way to minister to them!  How do you become friends while maintaining your distance?  Is that even possible?

Sincerely,

Hermit the Wife

 

Dear Hermit the Wife,

Yes, it is possible.  It’s time to come out of the shadows and start to mingle with the masses!  Now, I’m not going to pretend that this issue is all sunshine and roses.  Sometimes I want to retreat and find a hole to hide in as well.  You have asked a difficult question that requires some trial and error and finesse to work out in your own context.  But, thankfully, you have already started the process with your first betrayal.  (Didn’t know you could be thankful for that did you? 🙂 ) 

Your betrayal has taught you some things about yourself, about your trust level, and about how congregants respond when they hear a confidence that they think is too big to keep secret.  But just like you are discovering, I don’t believe this means that we as ministry spouses have to keep our heads down, our mouths shut, and practice our most trivial of niceties to get us through social events at church.  It’s a matter of figuring out the balance of how much is too much within each friendship you make. 

Through my own betrayals and missteps, I’ve learned to ask myself two questions when I am in a relationship with someone from church and I’m considering how open I can be with them:

1)    If I tell this to them and it gets out, will it damage the church in any way? 

2)    If I tell this to them, will it change their perception of the church and/or affect their worship experience? 

The answer to these questions dictates what is appropriate for me to share with that person.  They allow me to have a depth of relationship while still protecting the church, protecting the person, and protecting me.  Your friend from church might be the best listener when it comes to blowing off steam about your frustration with your mother, but you may not want to share with her the latest incident with the lady in the choir who complained about the dress you wore last Sunday.  You can have a deep, loving, trustful relationship that limits the topics to what is appropriate for that person at that time. 

So Hermit, I hope you take a chance on trusting church people again.  I don’t want you to miss out on the fellowship that God intends for us to have in the body of Christ.  And, fellowship includes Pastor’s wives too!

Love,

DW~

Julie Justification

Dear DW,

I think I have a disease.  Every time I buy something, I feel the need to make sure everyone knows that I got it on sale or that I used money I had saved up for a long time.  Just this week, someone in our Bible Study group noticed the new flat screen TV in our living room and my first reaction was to make sure she knew that it was a gift from my in-laws.  The disease part of this is that I’m not telling people these things because I think I got a good deal or because I want people to know what great in-laws I have, it’s because I don’t want them to think that we are wasting “God’s Money” on frivolous things.  I feel like I’m being judged when I show up to church with a new dress.  I feel anxiety when I get my hair done.  It made me nervous when I bought my son an iPod for his birthday because I just knew someone was going to see it and wonder how we could afford it.  We don’t make much money serving in the church and there are people who know that we struggle financially.  I don’t know how to stop feeling the need to explain every penny we spend.  Please help!

Julie Justification

 

Dear Julie Justification,

You are right.  You do have a disease.  Actually, it’s more like a virus.  I’ve caught it off and on throughout our ministry.  It’s called the I-am-focused-more-on-what-church-people-think-about-me-than-on-what-God-thinks-about-me virus.  The symptoms start out subtle like not showing off the new ring your husband bought you because someone might think he spent too much money.  It progresses into feelings of guilt or dread when you buy or do something that might elicit a comment from someone at church.  And, if left untreated, the virus morphs into full-blown “plasticity” where you either hide the real you from church people or you make decisions and behavior changes based on what people at church might say or think about you.  This virus will make you really sick- sick of church, sick of people, sick of ministry, and sick of your spouse’s calling.  The last stage of the virus can cause complications of bitterness which, everyone who reads this blog knows always leads to wrinkles! 

The only way to combat this virus to focus on the opinion that matters most in your life.  Are you wasting “God’s Money”?  Can you stand before Him without guilt?  Are you living a life pleasing to Him?  Then it doesn’t matter what other’s might think or say.  It’s exhausting trying to guess who you should be to make everyone in the church happy with you.  So don’t do it.  Stop justifying your purchases and actions.  I have a feeling that you are more conscious of what is being spent at your house than anyone in your congregation.  And even if you are not, God is the only one who can change the heart of someone who is so ridiculously judgmental.  Your qualifying statements won’t change a thing. 

You know, it’s ALL “God’s money”.  When is the last time someone at church called you up to justify the new boat they bought or reported to you that they just got another credit card so they could go on a vacation they can’t afford?  So stop stressing.  Enjoy your gifts.  Focus on what matters and avoid those wrinkles!

Love,

DW~

Now, This is Church…

Cindy

Dear DW, 

I had to write and tell you about two beautiful ladies who have made my life in ministry so much easier.  It all started one summer when I was pregnant with my third child.  My husband was going to be away from home for five weeks doing camps and conferences with our church youth ministries.  I didn’t know how in the world I was going to make it through the summer without him helping me with the kids.  On the first day of the first trip, my doorbell rang.  It was two ladies from church, Cindy and Melinda.  I knew them pretty well.  They were both youth parents and both had volunteered in the youth ministry off and on.  But I had only had church-y kinds of conversations with them in the past.  We were “church” friends.  They were both about 12 years older than me.   

They told me that they had come over to visit which I thought was odd since this had never happened before but I went with it.  I invited them in and told them that they could stay if they could stand the mess!  At first, we sat in the living room chatting casually and then one of my children started to wander off.  Cindy hopped up and insisted that she would go check on what he was doing.  Melinda kept talking to me.  A while later, I wondered where Cindy had disappeared to and when I looked up, I saw her in my kitchen… doing my dishes!  When I ran over and protested, one of my children said they had to go to the bathroom.  I left her with one last chiding (which she ignored) and hurried to the bathroom with my son.  When I came out of the bathroom, Melinda was in my living room with the vacuum cleaner!  She acted like she couldn’t hear me talking until the whole room was done.  And then it was over.  They quickly said their goodbyes and left me stunned in the middle of my clean house.   

Melinda

Through the years, these ladies continued to show up in my greatest times of need without me ever having to ask.  They have helped me raise my children.  They became my mentors in motherhood and taught me by example how to raise great teenagers.  I have watched them navigate the marriages of their own children and their graceful ascent into becoming  in-laws and grandparents.  I want to be just like them when I grow up.   And who knew that this lifetime of blessing would come from one email.  My husband confessed at the end of that summer that he had sent out an email to all of his youth workers to please check on me while he was gone at camp over the summer.  Melinda and Cindy took him up on the offer and changed my life in ministry forever.

Thank you for letting my share my story,

 Blessed Beyond Measure

 

Dear Blessed Beyond Measure, 

When I stop crying, I’ll respond.   

Love,

DW

 

 

Disillusioned with Ministry

Dear DW, 

What do you do when it seems like no one is responding to your ministry?  How do you keep going when the sacrifice doesn’t seem worth it?  It’s hard for me to watch my spouse struggle day in and day out when it all seems futile.  These people are never going to change. 

Disillusioned in Denver

 

Dear Disillusioned- 

When you come to this point in ministry, it’s time to reconnect with “why” you began this journey in the first place.  I know you have a few mountains around your area.  Escape to one and have some serious alone time with God.  Ask Him to remind you why this is worth it.  Ask Him to show you His view of your sacrifices.  Ask Him to help you remember those that may have been touched by your ministry.   

When I think back over some of the most difficult ministry situations we have faced, it’s always that one person who “got it” that made all the sacrifice worth it.  I’m heartbroken for the hundreds that missed what God had for them, but I recognize that this path is narrow and Jesus said that most people will choose the easier way.  We serve and sacrifice for the few who will respond. 

 Some suggested questions for your escape time with God:

• Is my discouragement about this church or is it about our calling to ministry?
• Have I been serving in my own strength instead of God’s strength?
• Is our ministry coming to a close at this church?
• If I never see another life changed, is it enough that I was obedient to God’s call?
• What can I do to encourage my spouse?  How can I make our home a place of respite and peace from the struggle of ministry? 

“I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.  He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber.”  Psalm 121:1-3 

Love,

DW

Longing Not to be Noticed

Dear DW- 

Can you talk about how to handle questions from people at church?  It seems like as soon as I walk into the door of the worship center, I get pummeled with a thousand questions about my spouse’s ministry.  “What time does this start?” “Who’s teaching today?”  “Do you know what’s going on with so and so?”  “Let me tell you all my personal information and have you pass it on to your pastor spouse…”  I feel uncomfortable answering questions that I don’t really know the answer to and the list of “memos” that people want me to pass on to my spouse is never ending- I know I’m going to forget something.  And, my pet peeve: I hate taking money from people who forgot to put it into the offering plate or who want to “make a payment” for this or that.  Please talk about how to handle these situations.  Besides making myself invisible, I don’t know what to do. 

Thanks,

Longing Not to be Noticed

 

Dear Longing Not to be Noticed, 

Thank you for bringing up this issue.  I believe that it is common for ministry spouses to be seen as an extension of the pastor.   People find it convenient to approach the spouse with their question or issue because the spouse doesn’t have a line forming around them on Sunday morning and the pastor does!  I can’t make you invisible, but I do have some thoughts to share that might help make Sunday less secretarial for you.

1. 1.    The Less You Know, The Less They Ask– If you appear to be a good resource for answering questions, you will become their “go-to” person.  You have a choice to make- become an expert on the church bulletin and schedule so that you can answer every question or play dumb.  Shhhh…don’t tell everyone, but sometimes I know the answer to their question but I say “I’m not sure” because I want them to look it up for themselves.  You can do that too.  Unless you want to become the mobile Church Information Booth, I’d recommend it.  Teach them where to find the information so that when you are not around, they can find it for themselves.
2. 2.    Never Take Church Money from People – This is a danger zone.  When you are handed a camp payment or someone’s tithe on a busy Sunday morning, it is so easy for that money to get misplaced or forgotten.  I tell people that I don’t feel comfortable taking their money and point them towards the nearest deacon, elder, pastor, sound guy, whoever, but I won’t take the money.  I’m not trying to be unhelpful, but I am trying to show them that I am not the right person to take their Church money.
3. 3.    Filter Information Given to You for Your Spouse – If Miss Martha wants my husband to know that someone left dirty dishes in the fellowship hall sink, I say, “I’ll try to remember, but I’m not sure if I will so it’s best if you call the office.”  But if someone tells me that they found drugs in their son’s room last night, I take the memo.  I still ask them to call my husband but that information is noted by me.  Only the most critical of information will ever get passed on in my household.  If Miss Martha asks me next Sunday if I told my husband about the dishes, I let her know that I forgot (which I probably did).  Enough forgetting and I am no longer deemed a reliable information highway. J

I don’t lie to people but I also don’t make it easy for them to use me as their go between to the pastor.  That is ok.  Your worship time is valuable.  Don’t waste it being your husband’s secretary.  The church pays people to do that. 

 Love,

DW

Makeover Madness

Dear DW-

 A lady from church just approached me and asked if she could take me out for a makeover.  She was very humble when she approached me and she said that she wanted to give me this makeover as her special gift.  I told her I would go next week but I have mixed emotions about it.  I mean, really, do I look like I need a makeover??  Is she just trying to be nice??  I don’t know!  And that is bothering me.  I don’t want to over think this whole thing but I’m a little uncomfortable.  On one hand, I want to call her up and cancel, and on the other hand, I really would love to have a makeover and get to know this lady a little better.  I feel crazy for being suspicious of her motives.  I’m not sure what to do. 

 Sincerely,

 Skeptical Sally

 

Dear Skeptical Sally,

Sometimes living the ministry lifestyle forces us into an attitude of cautiousness.  Jesus himself said that we should be as “shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves”. * (Interestingly enough, He was giving instructions to a group of people He was sending out to do ministry!) 

I know you have mixed feelings about this lady; however, I don’t think that you should let your apprehension limit the “Church” in the way that they want to bless you.  If your feelings about this lady make you sick to your stomach, it may be time to graciously bail out of the date.  But, if you have gotten to the point in ministry where you are suspicious of everyone, it may be time to allow God to stretch you beyond your comfort zone.  You know when you are getting a Holy Spirit stop sign and when you are letting past trespasses get in the way of new friendships. 

Just because someone offers you a makeover doesn’t mean you have to take it, but check your heart.  Be shrewd AND innocent.  This may be just the opportunity you need to prove that some church people are worthy of your trust.

Love,

DW

*Matthew 10:16